*teeth chatter*

so i did go out at about 11:50 and listen to wonder, i didnt really feel in the mood, i was sullen, empty feeling, and overall unhappy. but i did anyways because today was fall, and i cant get around that no matter how much it disapointing me that it's not bringing me the happiness that i so desperately crave. this wasnt how i wanted fall to be at all. i had so many more expectations and now i feel as though i am being let down. but at the same time, in way that i am at a loss to explain, i am humored, or dare i say it, happy, by this development. everyone complains about how they're not happy and how they wish they were, but no one ever gives unhappiness its credit. where would you be without it? miserable, i gaurantee it. if we were all happy all the time, happiness wouldnt exist, we'd be in a perpetual state of amity, and frankly, all of that amity would become impossible to live with. so in an odd way i am greatful for my present state of being, no matter how many ill feelings it brings me.

but more importantly the actaul coming of fall was tonite when i listened to duncan sheik on the bench in front of my house, not on september 21 or something like the calendars say. so for all of you who do not share my fedish and were not experiencing the actaul coming of fall, i'll let you know what you missed

i snuck outside really, really quietly b/c i knew my mom was still up and i didn't want her asking why it was absolutely crucial that i go outside and listen to my walkman for 5 minutes. so i got outside and i walked around for a second. i admired the ghost i made today with a bowtie, and i walked around the street, and i looked up at the sky and was pleased to find it still cloudy. it wasn't as cold as it usually is when i decide that it's fall, but that was alright. so i went back to the bench in front of my house, i looked for a second to make sure i wouldn't sit on a bug or something then made myself resonably comfortable. so i played wonder, the lyrics of which i won't share b/c i don't wanna find them on the internet (though i know them by heart, but that's too much typing) and i think i've posted them before. i love that song, and i don't think that i'll ever be able to explain why, but there's something about it. in a way that brings me a lot of comfort, i know that it will be one of those constant things in life. i will never stop loving that song, 60 years from now i will insist on hearing it during fall, even if i can't quite make the trip out to my front yard. so i listened, and my teeth began to chatter, despite the lack of cold, however it didn't surprise me. my teeth always chatter whenever i feel like that. so i listened and i began to look at the sky again, and through one of the openings in that little area infront of my door i could see just one star. on any other night i wouldnt notice it apart from the other stars, but tonite it was completely alone. but alone is not the word i want to use there, alone carries connotations of sadness, but this star wasnt sad at all. when i first saw it, it was framed by the clouds, and it looked very pretty indeed. as i watched, clouds would move over it, and it would disapear, and i would be slightly disheartened, but then it would come back again. i watched the star until the song ended. i looked up one last time, hoping that it would be there so i could see it one last time before i went to sleep, but it was hiding behind those clouds. and at first this saddened me. later though, the more i thought about it the happier i am that it wasn't there. i began to think symbolically for a minute, why you might ask, b/c it was about 11:54 and i was sad, happy, and listening to a guy that most ppl have never heard of. anyways, i began to wonder if i had to call the star anything whether i would call it happiness or unhappiness... the more i thought about it the more i realized that it should matter to me, and with that the more i realized that it doesn't and i am happy with that.

"tell me all your wildest dreams
don't really care you don't know what they mean
raiding the closets skeleton (scattertan) keys
you know its easier than you think"