best damn post in a long, long time... warning, bad language...

so ive decided to turn over a new leaf... and oh yes my friends, it is a red leaf, with asian laser vision eyes, and some day it will kick charlie the super mutated turkey's ass! so HA!

so if it hasnt been observed by the readers of my blog that i have been fairly unhappy since about the start of school, well then youre none to bright are you? but ive decided.. had an epiphonic moment if you will... that the main reason of my unhappiness is that i have been feeling very lonely. it struck me as sad that at 16 ive never been so much pecked on the cheek. thus to solve such a situation i was really hoping on getting a boyfriend. when my plans were thwarted, not once, but twice, i fell into a deeper state of unhappiness. now my epiphonic moment was truely epiphonic, i mean really. i got into some deep junk, and if i could i would tell you all about it. maybe i will try, im not sure, but yeah. condencsed this is how i see it. ive got through 16 years of life without a boyfriend. and on a whole those have been a pretty damn good 16 years. there were times when i was happier than i am now, and time when i was sadder, but i got through them, and enjoyed them completely on my own, save my friends and family. is a boyfriend needed? obviously not, otherwise i would have parished long ago. what brings all this up? nora actaully. nora asked me if i still like (fill in name to best of your ablility), and i wasnt sure how to answer. now i am sure. ive decided the answer is no. and im very glad ive come to this decision. i hate being unhappy (doesnt everyone?) and really, liking someoen that i cant have (which at this point would be about every guy i know) only makes me unhappy. so ive come to a kinda emily decision. i dont plan to focus on guys. i dont think im gonna even let myself start to like any of them at the moment. see all modesty aside (and i dont like doing this, so take note) im an okay gal. i think im supportive, try to make ppl feel special and good about themselves. when someones having a bad day (and if i notice) i wanna make it better for them. i like being trusted, and if youre good enough, i'll trust you too... well ive noticed that several ppl take advantage of me because of those things, might even see them as weaknesses. and as too many ppl do they exploit such weaknesses. and frankly, i dont think i really deserve that. on my myspace my headline it says "im the one you dont know you need for your ego" the actual song lyric is "im the one that you dont know you need to keep for your ego, make me blind when youre eyes close" but yeah, step back and think about what that means. it means, that while we might not like someone the way they like us, we keep them around sd an ego boost. we arent even aware we do it, ( in all honesty, coby was the one i didnt know i needed for my ego). we dont care enoguh for this person to be equal with them, and we might say that we wish them to move on, but in all honesty, its flattering to be liked. flattering to know someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. well at first it made me mad to think someone was boosting their ego at my expense, after all, arent i nice? arent i a good enough person? dont i try to always make them feel better? why should they profit from my unhappiness? like a bloody parasite! then it occured to me... that it is by no fault of their own that they profit from my unhappiness, merely a fault of my own. as long as i make myself unimportant enough that i give them their boost of confidence all the while sacrificing my own self worth, it is my fauly. i didnt realize i was doing it at first.. but now im sure i was... i dont like the confident tone that ppl speak to me with, like they know that i will do what i ask b/c they are my weakness, b/c i like to help, b/c i like to please. i just wanna shout, I DONT HAVE TO DO A DAMN THING YOU ASK, AND YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND THAT IM DOING THIS B/C I WANT TO, NOT B/C YOU EXPECT IT SO MUCH THAT YOU WILL IT TO BE SO! i dont like the smug attitude (and maybe its only one that i invent in my mind, but lo que sea) of anytime i decide shes good enough, she'll readily take me back... heres the deal everyone, ive thought it over, ive decided. i havent been treated very nicely. i havebnt been given the proper respect. i havent been appreciated. is it vain to say this? selfish? yeah, it most certainly is.. but every once in a while EVERYONE needs to throw down the stupid blanket of modesty and humbleness and be big enough ppl to admit what they are and what they arent. im telling you with no guilt or shame, that im an alright person. that someday someoen will see that, and i'll live a freaking happy life. and maybe it wont happen, well then fuck, i guess i'll be happy by myself, but damit i through with letting other ppl decide my feelings and moods for me. im not going to waste anymore time looking for someone in highschool to see in me what i already see. do i take a sick sense of pride in thinking that someday any guy who passed me up for someone prettier, or skinnier, or with a bigger rack will kick themselves in the ass for ever letting someoen like me go? yeah, i do, so sue me. i take that same pride for everyone i know who are good people. i take that pride for the noras, emilys, jens, annies, and tiffany's of the world. damnit, we are better than what this f'ed up highschool has to offer, and i'll be damned if i lower myself so much so as to feel HONORED to go out with some loser who doesnt know what he freaking has anyway. there ive said it. ive been completely vain, and completely self centered, and completely full of myself. ive worn, for once im my life, my pride on my sleeve. im here to say that im a ashley marie fucking roberts, and i dont need this shit it in my life anymore. you wanna take advantage of me? you want me to sacrifice myself for your happiness? go ahead, knock yourself out. but im telling you now, it aint gonna happen.

dont confuse me, im not mad, im jsut empowered. i feel like myself again more right now then i have in the past 4 months or so. this is me. you dont like it? to bad. i dont really care. this post isnt specifically to (again fill in name to best of ablility), or [[edited for my convenience, shut your face coby and DONT tell]], or any guy that i have ever liked who has liked someoene else. its too all ppl everywhere who take advantage of good ppl everywhere.

no more moping, no more sad depressing blogs. that just aint me, i like life, and i plan to live it up, thank you very much. you all should do the same.

-ashley

qotd~"You had your chance, YOU BLEW IT. outta sight, outta mind!" rock on kelly Clarkson