shot of clarity

So it’s the last day of october… and what a disapointing october it has been. And it should be understood that I use the term "disappointing" lightly. With no exaggeration im pretty sure that this is the worst October ive ever experienced. I look so forward to this time of year, and for what? To be made more miserable than I ever have been? It like waking up Christmas morning, but not only do you find no toys… But someone has replaced your cheerios with little bits or razor wire…. October has about an hour and a half left… I expected disappointment today and my faith in disappointment never wavers, for it is one of the few things that will never disappoint… disappointment that is. I predicted the sad empty void feeling into which I feel now, (does that make me psychic?) I suppose something amazing could happen in (speak of the devil… Someone just made me slightly happier) five minutes, but I try not to hope. See, hope is the cruelest thing you can give to a man. Some say it is the kindest, but it is not. Only for the stupid man is it kind, for the wise who can see past its allusions, it is just glass… not just any kind though, broken glass with jagged edges. And people build it up in your mind, but its also that kind of glass that is cloudy, and distorts things. Makes you believe that there are things that aren’t there. But this isn’t the worse thing about hope. See whats worst is when its shattered. When someone takes it away from you, (or tries) smashes it until only scattered bits remain. Then is when the real pain comes. For all ppl, fools and intellects alike, try to pick up those pieces. We grab them up, and we try and put them together, matching ends that were never meant to stand by each others side. We paste, and tape, and glue, but there is no point. All the while our hands are in tatters, (whoa effing sh** someone else just came on who I could (should?) talk to who would make me happy, but im a coward and wont talk to him {ps, NO ONE knows who this person is, ive kept him a secret for years… just incase you think you know who im talking about ) and we see that the blood is dripping down, but does it really matter? What is that red substance compared to our hope? The distortion of our lives? God damn me… its that hope. I know how awful it is, I can see the cuts, I feel the blood, and lord help me I don’t want to anymore.. but what can I say? I see those pieces and they aren’t stained red just yet… and such stains are so easily washed away. I see the pieces of glass and they shine in the sun. they cannot possibly hurt me as long as I understand what they are capable of, right? Why do they have to look so pretty? Why do they hold so many colors? So many possibilities? Its so irredscent… what color is it really? It is black. its not a shiny black, or velvety, it is just black. Darker than that even. To steal the words of Stephen king, it’s the antithesis of light. Who or what escapes it? Nothing and no one. Even as I type im picking up those pieces. And when im lucky theyre falling down faster than I can put them up. But when im unlucky, theyre holding. Odds and ends stuck together, but theyre holding. Theyre showing me that image, the one I so desperately desire. Let them fall, plz let them fall!!! Give me broken class. Give me torn skin. Let my finger nails hang from splinters, but plz don’t give me the image again. I cant take it. Its too pretty, id stare at it forever, waste away my life in front of it. Make it disappear. Make it black. I don’t want to see anymore. Give me clarity. I know ive fallen short of it for years. But I want it now. I don’t care how harsh it is. I can take the truth. The truth doesn’t open up old scars. Truth doesn’t bleed anew… truth is new everday. It doesnt repeat like some untouchable dream. But I said it before, and im saying it again, no one escapes hope. I wont be any exception to such. I can only guard myself. I will hope, (i simply cant help it) but I will NOT believe. For belief is hope carried too far. Belief is what kills. Hope hurts but belief kills. Im going to continue to hope, but no matter what, I will not trust myself to believe again. Huh… 56 minutes of October left. The month (more day, but w.e) is slightly better than it was half an hour ago… But I will not believe. This really has been the most disappointing October in my existence, I love how disappointment never disappoints me, it always turns up on cue when I predict it as so…

in a laughable but not funny way, i am not sad as i write this. not sad at all. i was before i wrote it, and slightly while i wrote it. but ahh, that shot of clarity has come from writing this all down...

-Ashley Marie Roberts


Quoteoftheday~
“I watched a flower grow today,
I watched it wilt and die
It spoke of many things to me
Of the people that had passed it by

And whether they looked back or not
That’s not for me to tell
But the story that it sang to me
Must be rescued from their hell…”
- yours truly.

ps
i have a random new obsession for stars and the night. i should buy a telescope... anyways, just incase your interested i ended fall just as i brought it in. at 11:55 i went outside and sat on my driveway and just looked at the stars while wonder played. i prolly wont listen to that cd for a long, long time. maybe not till next fall... maybe that one will be better. i dont know. the whole time my teeth were chattering, but this time it was actaully cold. what comes next? the holiday season of course. i like winter too, it brings a rush, a rush that i need (not as much as fall, but stil need) and i am looking forward to it too.... fall disapointed me. i guess i'll just hope that winter doesnt follow the same path.