420 baby

well the bitterness and undesired feelings i knew would encompass my birthday did not fail to dissapoint me. i would like to say i am very greatful to all my friends, they did exactly as i asked and didnt make a big deal about it. if they had, i would have... actaully i dont know what would have happened... lately i feel like my fun meter has been pegged. i just dont think i can take much more of anything that brings me any sort of unhappiness or i'll just... ((still have no idea what will happen, but it wont be a good thing im sure)) i think thats why i keep taking my dogs on long walks; walking around just listenign to music is literally keeping me sane. the only time i ever feel normal or like myself is when im just walking around and singing outloud in my head (yeah that makes perfect sense....) with my dogs. today was going alright, they sung to me in spanish where i had to provide my first fake smile of apprciativeness. i hate those smiles. i cannot stand smiling when its the last thing i want to do. it just takes so much effort. i take for granted how naturally i smile when i am happy or just myself. but as soon as im unhappy, smilling is equivellant to a very long cross country practice for me. so they sung to me and i had to stand there smiling, pretending im flattered by their show of noticing me-ness. then i went through the rest of my day more or less unphased. there was only one person i wanted to say happy bday or at least acknowldege me. and they did, but as always anything positive lately in my life seems to be laced with bitterness, and thus, i would have prefered nothing at all. then i went out to dinner iwth my family and i honestly couldnt think of any place in teh world i would rather be less. i know thats sad, i love my family, i just didnt wanna be there. first off, goign out to dinner deprived me of my chance to take my dogs on a walk, thus i sacrafice a part of my sanity. secondly, i had to smile the whole time. so much work... and if i stoppped, and just started staring off into space thinking of.. well thinking of things.... i would have my grandpa say, "Smile Ashley, it's you're birthday!!" which is part of the reason i was dreading this bday. ppl expect you to be happy, i knew i wasnt going to be. and if your not happy on your bday ppl get pissed at you because they feel theyve gone out of their way to make you feel special on your day and your just blowing them off. which in essence is true, which is why i asked no one to make a big deal or do anything special. so thus, i spent the rest of the evening with a smile that has honestly never felt so forced or plastered on in my entire life. oh, and the great part. i have an absolute hatred for those ppl who sing you happy bday in restaurants. my mother knows this, my father, who doesnt pick up on things, doesnt. thus, he told them to *cringes* sing to me. and they did, where i had to have the biggest, most forced grin of my life, and sliently wish i was anywhere else all over again. then thank god we left. and now im here. i got some great music today. i'll delve into that tomorrow.

ppl keep asking me what i want, i keep saying telling them i want nothing. which is of course very untrue, i want something very much, but i cant have it. thus, ive been tring lately to just not want. but as a way to get my family to stop bugging me, i find that telling them to listen to better days by goo goo dolls will tell them exacgtly waht i want. and in essence its true, i do want all the things they talk about, but its a broad thing to ask for, but i was never one for sharing details.

"and you ask me waht i want this year, and i'll try and make this kind and clear, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days, because i dont need boxes wrapped in strings, designer love, or empty things, just a chance that maybe well find better days"

i am soo bitterly disapointed in this entire school year, yet at the same time enthralled with it. i find that the most mind boggling of concepts. ive never had more fun, nor wished a year to be over sooner. i find it maddening. thus far, ive had the worst fall of my life (which is evident from earlier posts) a good christmas, an awful valentines day, a terrible easter, and the worst birthday on record. (ha-ha, get it? nope no one ever does... i can trace my unhappiness to one common origin) oh well i suppose

qotd~"i stared into shallowed depths
and saw your face drowning there
dulling lights gasping for their breath
waiting for a time when you would care

shallower in the middle
deeper on the shore
(my memory isnt so good on this part, so)blah blah blah
but still i see you standing at the door

secrets lie bloated and blue
given up for fleeting chance
i flail and drown only for you
so much that it has become my last dance"

im sure some of it is off, i heard it first a long while ago, but thats to the best of my recollection.


on a side note just because i find it interesting

april 20 is also

hitlers birthday
anniversary of columbine
planned date for the oklahoma city boming
international POT DAY
occasionally good friday
occasionally easter