two revelations id like to share

so i learned two things about myself in the past few days.

escalation of the phone:

firstly my fear of phones has turned into a hatred of phones. i dont soo much mind using them like i use to. if someoen calls i can handle it. (not to say i couldnt before, but i use to just really hate phone calls from people who i wasnt all that close with) well now my phone fedish has progressed into hatred. i CANT stand pointless, meaningless, aimless, purposeless (etc.) phone calls!!! theyre sooo dumb! why are you wasting my time with them? heres the deal, i call people for several reasons... if theres somethign big i have to tell them, to cheer them up, if im really depressed and need to confide in a friend, or something that comes right to the point like homework, or when to see a movie, or something. i wont ever, (and dont ever want) make stupid phone calls and ask a person something stupid, like how was your day? "erm.. it was good... yours?" or about some stupid class that held little importance. i dont like it, okay! why is that sooo hard to understand? this is one of the key reasons to why i DONT want a boyfriend... and may never want one... but this leads into our next topic

Commitment calamity: (nice aliteration, huh?)

okay so my newest fear... commitment. yup thats right, im terrified of it. its funny cuz i had never known, and if you had asked me if I was afraid to commitment a few weeks ago i would have said no for sure. this was somethign i really didnt know about myself cuz it had never been tested. well its been tested and the results are positive, im a spineless person who fears commitment, who woulda thought? well since this is only about one guy, i cant be positive that i fear commitment altogether or just with him... but anyways, allow me to give you some examples that jen found amusing...

yesterday im talking with annie... shes trying to convince me i like chris, and im trying to convince her i just dont know yet (by the way i figured that one out... more on that at bottom, but dont just skip to the bottoM!)well at some point she says something like, "its you and chris".

okay whoa, take a step back... this is gonna sound pathetic, but waht the hell is up with that word "and"???? i dont like its implications. its like its trying ot deceive me by pretending its a small, insignificant conjunction... BUT THATS JUST IT!! I DONT WANT TO BE CONJOINED!! eeeeeep. it freaked me out. its not like i have a history with chris. why should we be conjoined with "and"??? i dunno, a mental image of that sentence shows just one entity of me and chris, and wow.... talk about freaky. i dont wanna be one entity with someone!! i want to be a seperate entity. i like being my own person. you know those people who say dumb shit like, "youre my other half..." "you complete me" "im not whole wtihout you"

w--t--f people?? I am one person... you are one person... so why together are we just ONE person!? its TWO people damnit! i belive that ONE and ONE makes TWO!! so just stop wtih this, other half shit, and learn to count, one and one makes two!

okay so that wase the first thing that im sure i made waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to big of a deal out of... the second is in my mind funnier, because it makes me panic all the more.

so tiff is talking to chris. and of course she brings up my name and asks wahts going on. at first chris answers correctly, "nothing were just friends" but after that...
*cue sick feeling*
he said that nothing was happening yet but might happen later. i would just like to ask why i wasnt allowed to have a say in this???? its like hes already vouching for me, isnt that what like married couples do??? well anyways then tiff says hes confusing. and he replies that he isnt confusing, that he just likes to develop relationships then back into them...

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... this shouldnt bother me as much as it does. but yikes it freaks me out. the idea of our friendship just progressing on till the point where he suddenly thinks were in a "relationship" (which by the way, i hate that word) freaks me out. like wow, how do i prevent a thing like that?!?! id have to stop hanging around him, but hes freinds with all my friends. not to mention that he keeps calling me.

well the other part of that sentence, the one that makes me panic most is the "i just like to back into relationships"

okay, why- i dont know, but that makes me feel like he's setting a trap for me!!! one that hes sure i cant avoid! and AHHHHH a trrrrrrrrrrrap! i dont wanna be trapped! thats one of my biggest fears. infact i think its my most basic, instinctual fear! i hate when i can move if i want to. I dont have claustrophbia, but if soemoens sitting on my legs and i cant move, i freak out. so yeah, this feels like a trap now! and in my survivor attitude i want to RUN away as FAST as i can! its like if i were watching the movie of my life i would be throwing the popcorn in the air screaming "run you fool! save youreself while you still cannnnnnnn! faster, hes right behind you!!!!!!"

so basically yeah, ya think i might have some deep embedded issues? i gave it thought as to why i am this way. i came up with a pretty decent answer too

(side note, i decided, 100% that i dont like chris. i dont exactly know how to deal with the situation, but at least im sure on what how i feel (which is an oxymoron as im pretty sure i dont have feelings, or a heart, jst fyi))

so heres my theory. and i dont say this for pity, nothing i ever right here is for pity, so plz dont come to me on your own time and say things that im sure are sentimental and what not, i just dont care all that much. i write what i like, want, and need to and thats about it. any "healing" power your words will do is prolly already done by mine having written it out in the first place. anways...

so there have been about three stages in my life.

when i was very young between ages 5-9 i was very queit. not at all like i am now. it got to the point where if i were in a room by myself, i thought of it as an empty room. empty not just of other people, but of anyone in general. kinda like the power to be invisible, but not have the power to turn it off. for a good long while this annoyed me. i was constantly screaming in that empty room of mine. i wanted to be seen, and heard like everyone else. well then i guess that one day my throat just got to hoarse to carry on one more cry of protest, so i stopped. i was ten years old and i had moer or less completely adapted to myself, or lack thereof. by 12 i didnt want to be heard anymore. not only did i not mind not being seen, but i was almost enjoying it. its like for the first time i realized being invisble could be fun. and here my firends is where it went down hill. because unfortunately, the power of invisibility comes with a catch 22. as i became more at peace wtih myself and overall happy, i guess you could say i began to solidfy, until one day, yes, i was in the room, it was empty save me, but hell i was in it! good thign or bad thing.. i dunno, either way i was there. this wasnt much of a chnage. but then i grew more into myself, i became who i am. stopped carying about what people, who i couldnt even see, thought. well then my firends, that was the final straw. now im not only in the room, but its not empty anymore. after years of solitary confinement, i fianlly have some company. and frankly, its not always the easiest to adapt. the idea of someone always around me, always calling me, always just being there... well thats just tooo much human contact for me to take right now. infact, when things are too hectic i wish i could just melt back into an empty room. that i would be able to look down to where my feet should be and see nothing. i think thats why i go out late at night or early in the morning. no ones awake, no one sees me. just invisible me with my invisible shadow.

anyways the most important thing to address now is, what to do with chris?? he doesnt know that i dont like him. infact me prolly thinks i do like him, cuz i asked him to sadie hawkins, but i was inbetween a rock and a hard place there for reasons im not going into. plus i admit i flirt with him a lot. but i figured it was just between friends. if i had thought he might like me i never woulda started, but now that its normal for us to be playful, its hard to just go back to being distant w/o seeming like a bitch. oh and what about these phone calls???? theyre going to kill me! i didnt wanna bf cuz i didnt want the weight of having to talk to him every night before i go to bed, and now waht? its not just at night before i go to bed, its just all aroudn a lot! gosh, ive talked to him more on the phone the past three days than anyone else, you know how off balance that throws my usual phone spending hours??? i just dont know what to do... advice, anyone?

pssst
this is for real guys. for emily, nora, jen, and annie who really want this to happen between me and chris, it just aint. im serious, and dont give me any denial junk either. i actaully understand how i "feel" or more correctly dont feel.

qsotd~"catching things in webs and eating their insides"- blink 182
"i dont wanna be your other half i believe that one and one makes two"-alanis morissette (gotta love her...)


ps
im going to latvia, im pretty sure at least!!!!