do no resuscitate

yeah, the blog may have died. i feel no real sorrow. meh. lots of things in my life seem to have died. double meh.

qotd~"this t-shirt could get me out of a lot of stick situations, ill take the whole box! auh-huh-huh-uhhuh"

yup prom night, geh, im sick. jen wants to get buzzed before she goes. i think that could be a bad idea. she wanted me to, too, but i dont think i will, first off, cobys story has taught me well. and secondly, i just dont wanna. ppl already think im an acoholic, so yeah, no.



my head hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrts. stupid cold. okay, im gonna go do stuff now, i gotta get showered, and put my hair in curlers, and yay, if im unlazy i'll most pics. but thats a fifty-fifty chance

\bye

phrase of the freaking year? "AY CHINGAME POR LADO IN OTRO VEZ"

okay

so

a recap of the weekend is in order. its no secret, at least to ppl like coby and paul who constantly remind me of this, that im am not in a good state of sorts and needed to have fun to get outta this lovely funk im in. so i attempted to do that. yes, attempted, i didnt succeed.

i went to NAU. got durnk off of my ass. the drunkest ive ever been in my entire life. coby said i had never gotten drunk until i was throwing up everythign i had consumed that day, couldnt stand, and wasnt able to think clearly or sober up relatively fast. well, then according to coby, i had never been truesly drunk, until saturday.

so usually i drink as recreation. for fun. but lately ive been feeling i n-e-e-d-e-d to get drunk, to save waht little sanity i have left. so instead of being a smart drinker, i quite literally said, chingalo, and decided to have 7 shots of straight vodka (large shots mind you, taken from a double shot glass, they werent filled to the top, but each was like a shot and a half or a quater), which is more than ive ever had before. and to top that, i decided that eating anythign was a silly idea, and that taking all 7 of them in a 45 minute time period was a SWELL idea. usually, i stick to 6 shots, i drink them in a three and 1/2 hour time frame, i eat crackers in between, i make sure to take a long walk in the cold, and i drink a ton of freaking water. yeah, none of that happened this time. i decided, what the hell, im miserable, i want alcohol.

so yes. it was soo amusing, for a while. i honestly couldnt stand for more than a few seconds. walking across the room was an incredible obstacle, and yeah it was really fun for that small amount of time. well i tell my sister a lovely story, (which i never actaully disclosed here now that i think about it... oh well) about a certain someoen. and she decides that this certain someone is a complete asshole. and im like whateva. so were just sitting around, i honestly cant remember what we were doing. but yeah, she further decides that an EXCELLENT idea would be to call this certain someoen up and tell him what she thinks of him. when i realize this is happening, just imagine what a chicken wtih its head cut off looks like, now imagine this, except with me as the chicken... yes, i was flipping out. screaming at the top of my lungs (many profanities) to the point where ken (my sisters bf) decides that im being so loud im gonna wake the RA (dorm police type ppl) up and we were all gonna get in huge trouble for drinking in the dorm and being all under the age. so the ONLY logical thing to do would be to JUMP on top of me, and hold his hand over my mouth to the point where i can no longer breath and i shit you not, to the point where i wake up with a bruise on my face from his thumb the next morning. so yeah, instead of giving me the goddamn phone and not calling this person, they decided to nearly strangle me and let me go home bruised on my face and arm, lovely right?

so sarah calls, and tells this person that they are a freakign jack ass. (im screaming in the background) and she goes on for about a minute, then hangs up. i dont know if it was the realization that my life has gotten exponentially worse or the multitude of alcohol, or that ken had finally got off of sitting on my stomach. but soon i was very much sick. and yeah, my fun evening died in a white shiny porcelain waste receptical... if you catch my drift... all that lovely alcohol soon left my system and as it did, i realized soemthign very poignant. for all those who whine about how hard alcohol is going down, let me tell you from experience, that its going down is nothign compared to its coming back up.

so the next morning, after the sickest night of my life, i wake up, with a bad hang over. take some advil. sleep some more. get up to go to the bathroom, fall over, try again. make it out of the room this time. then sleep some more. then finally get out of bed after watchign some basketball (im not into sports, but they were so yeah) well then finally we head home. during the night, my sister realizing she really effed up, decided to text him and tell him she was sorry and to call me in the morning so i could explain. well it makes me fairly nervous that he hasnt called and its around three-ish. so finally he calls, but my phone is near dead, so i tell him i'll call him in like an hour when im home. so i get home, call him around 430. he doesnt answer. text him asking if he wants to hit safeway with me. doesnt answer.(hahah, he just signed on...). so im shopping. feeling pretty miserable, my sister had been very harsh from hwat i remember. good thing is, is that she PROMISED she had only called him random profanities and did not say at all why she would do so. well anyways, he calls and is like "so yeah, about last night.... what happened??" well, if you have not already realized, my life is an exercize in pretending things didnt happen or downplaying things so theyre not a big deal. and of course, that is hwat i did hear. i told him i was realyl sorry and that sarah is a mean drunk. adn she was just talking nonsense, dont listen to a word she says, i think she even called some other ppl in my phone book and yelled for no reason at them too... well this could have worked. life could have shined on me and this could have been the end of it. right??? right!?!? NO. not for me. everythign in my life had to be made terrible to the ninth degree. so chris goes "yeah, that makes sense. but i know she meant what she was saying, becasue she said something like "ashley's up here drinkign becasue shes depressed becasue you two use to be really close and now you hardly talk"" into which point i say mentally the timeless phrase "ay, chingame por lado un otro vez." sooooo i try to say basically "um, yeah, i dunno what youre talking about" ((if you'll notice, ive put both my life strategies into play now, ive tried to downplay someting, then just decided to try and pretend it didnt happen)) yeah he doesnt believe me. it really pisses me off. hes been doubtful for a whole if ive been alirght with whats happened. and i have tried oh soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to make it seem like ntohgin was wrong. i had to do so much convincing. it was a lot of freakign work to make him think there was NOTHIGN wrong. and all of that hard work, energy, effort, man hours, all destroyed in a 90 second long phone call... in the end, he sounds kinda down, he says that he actaully thinks my sister is right about him, and that stuff like this really hit him personally. so as were talking im saying the words "im sorry" about twenty times... every two minutes... in the end hes all "dont worry, im use to stuff like this" which makes me feel even worse. and i try to make it better, but in the end hes says he promised to go play soccer ((annie you should totally know who im talking about if you didnt already)) with some ppl and that he had to go.

funnn right?

so now were into present time. with the lessons of the weekend behind me. i learned that the very threadwork of the fabric which holds the fragile pieces of my life togehter and keeps them from falling into abysmal darkness is unravelling at an incredible rate, leaving me dumbfounded and thinking absently to myself "...ay...chingame por lado un otro vez..."



random thought occured to me when i woke up with the killer hangover and was staring at the celeing. whatever happened to popcorn celings? they use to be everywhere, (ie, in kens and daves dorm room) and now they just arent. odd huh?

qotd~"i am moving to russia"

rot away my time (insert more words)

yup, so im in bio, and woot, im not working at all. i could be working. but loxley isnt making me so screw the idea of taking more of those practice quizes. yeah so, AP lang. exam is done. can i hear a THANK YOU DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!?!? yeah, im pretty happy about this... its odd, i dreaded that test all year, and now its over so. yup, a weight of my chest you could say. actaully, it wasnt all that awful. i dunno how i did on the multiple choice reading section (damn ambiguity) but the writing wasnt all that bad. it could have been better none of the three essays were my best work, but still, not too shabby on a whole.

0kay, still gotta take bio ap final. that is going to be entertaining. see, i have no faith whatsoever that i will pass it, so im not worried at all. i plan to get in there, and just answer whatever i can. and if i get to one of the four essays. and i absolutely can do none of it? i think im gonna just write randomly to the AP grading ppl and tell them about my day or soemthing, itd be great fun.

now me and nora are checking out some jazz by alicia keys. ive never heard her before till just now. shes alright, not bad. i like my jazz a little, well, more jazzy, but i like the girls voice. got a nice ring to it. jazz by chicks is abotu the only music i get into thats song by girls. for the most part i only liten to music sung by guys. wow, so in bio in the comp. lab i just herad someone playing one of the best songs ever on their comp. it was kenny, how weird. i dunno if he actaully likes the song or if its just on accident. but gravedigger by the dave mathews band is about as cool as it gets.

okay, im hungry. on monday after taking our bio ap test loxley decided to be cool and let us bring food in. mmmmmm, and because we all aparently aspire to be fatties were bringing in a mad amount of junk, lovely right? haha, wanna hear somethign funny? chrisian, or germany as we call him, our foreign exchange student, says hes gained a lot of weight since hes been here. and of course, i without hesitation answered, "tis the american way". which is oddly true. were such a fat country, que triste. are there lots of fat brits? do ppl in other countries make fun of us for being fatties? i hear in japan theyre starting to get fat too. haha, stupid asians... i was sure to rub it in chris's face that asians were getting fat too and that it wasnt just us americans.

eeek, i feel odd blogging aroudn so many random ppl that i kinda know. alrighty, adios faces

"it's my life, dont you forget"

winning and losing, its all in the stakes. yes my firends a truism if there ever was one

Black or Jaded?
-Paris C. Tapptin

"harken angels hear the call
for winters swept but never fall
tears of years pour down like rain
never death but always pain

black or jaded, neither ring true
drained and faded its all for you
panes are shattered; glass brakes
winning or losing its all in the stakes

hear the call coming now?
work of ages running from the brow
toiled and tortured all in want
stilled and shook, you continue to haunt"



hmmmm posting poetry doesnt really count as a post... but oh well... suckas...

i have to think that we were born to it

soo ap lang test on monday. luckily i fear not for this test at all. mr hickman has actaully made me feel confident about taking a test. no teacher has ever accomplished that before so im pretty happy about this. weve been taking practice tests for the past couple of months. i do well enough on the writing promts. but the reading tests im not that great on. good news is that i have improved, and that hes giving us really old ap tests to practice off of and theyre actaully harder than the ones that are given now. so woot for that development. i realized that i like some sum 41 stuff. i never realized this, i just liked random songs but never realized sum 41 sung them. well then i was singing fat lip in math and annie laughed at me. speaking of math and music. so the other day were doing math. and tis pretty simple. so during the homework i pull out my ipod and im planning to lisrwn to some good ole verve "bittersweet symphony" right? yeah so i turn it up as loud as it goes for several reasons.its loud in math, its a freaking awesome song, and so waht, i listen to my music loud. so im listening to my music and im just spacing out. lipping the words as the song goes on. when i look over and i notice my good freind annie just staring at me. well now i look up. and its not just annie staring. the entire freaking class is just staring at me math teacher miller included. so i start to laugh and ask what everyone is looking at. turns out everyone in the class could hear. this isnt an uncommon occurance, usually in any given class you can hear someones music that is so loud that everyone can hear it. but i guess it was just the song choice. usually such its heavy metal you hear, but i guess an orchestra of violins through everybody off... well i get a few ppl asking "are you kidding me!?! we can hear that all the way over here!!" and then i notice that a few ppl have even started humming the tune... what makes it worse/funnier is my other good firned tiffany. she heard it first and actaully told everoyne to be quiet and stare at me to see how long i would notice. yeah good times in math class. one of the best classes ive ever taken. i havent done work all year and i still have an A in my worst subject. its gonna suck next year when baldwin expects me to think... oh well.
ap bio test not this coming monday but the one after. ap bio final on thursday. we should honestly start a pool now for how much im gonna fail by. good thing is ive got a 95 in the class and im sure she plans to curve the final, so maybe, just maybe i'll keep and A in the class. hopefully. after bio and lang are outta the way, ive got little to worry about. i havent worked in spanish a day in my life, regular history class is the biggest joke ever, ceramics (that should really go without saying), and then my favorite... math... well i can focus on that with my free time right? and even if i dont? wont matter because you dont have to work in millers class to get an A. well thats my boring update on school. no more real developments. summer starts may 25 i think. its gonna me nice to stop school life. the weird thing is usually im dying to get outta school by this time. but latey? not really. i just odnt care that much. its not unusual for me to stop caring about school at this time or year, but still i seem to get stresed and wish for sumemr to come sooner. only now its kinda like ive simply forgotten about school. it doesnt bother me at all. i dont do homework. i dont study. i dont think while im there. its actaully pretty nice, if i had done this for my enitre highschool career im sure id have much better mental health. SATs came back. yours truely didnt do all that well. this didnt surpirse me, i dont do the whole standardized testing scene. but i plan to retake and retake and retake. i figure i'll be satisfied when i get around the 1400 area outta 1600. what sucks is that the only part i did pretty good in was writing and thats the only part colleges dont care about. stupid irony. i got 9 outta 12 points. im happy with that score seeing as i finished with extra time and didnt try that hard since i knew colleges didnt care about it. well apparently this isnt too shabby seeing as most ppl i talk to got sixes. and then kalyn who gets the same thing i usuaslly do on writing got an 8. and jen who is a way way way way way better writer than i'll ever hope to be also got an 8. so that was very weird. i do not look forward to retaking that test as it took 5 GODDAMN HOURS!!! yuck... but still, i gotta pay for college somehow we cant all be rich like loser coby and brie. hey in london do you have an equivelant of the SAT? some evil suck ass test that they make you take to decide how dumb you truely are so that they can tell you youre not good enough to be in their college (in my case at least). okay my rant is done. yay i dont have to go to school tomorrow! half day and i got a doctors appointment. i have to decide prolly by tomorrow whether im taking spanish ap or stugo next year. its an incredibly hard decision cuz ive always wanted to take stugo but i absoluetly love spanish. the only thing in life i have a natural talent for. maybe i'll just drive to gcc north and take it at the college. i dunno, i'll figure something out i suppose. i should talk to salisbury (la maestra) and get her take on it.

qotd~"how many special people change? how many lives are living strange? where were you when we were getting high? i saw you walking down the hall. faster than a cannon ball. someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky. someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova in the sky"

"i missed my favorite concert, stabby rip stab stab"-lmao

hmm, to address the emo quesiton... let me think. well first i would like to say, that i think emo stole some of its emo-ness from me. for example, my supa cool way of talking. yup thats right, emo kids stole it from me. long ago i grew tired of saying stuff like, "today sucks" thus i invented cooler ways of saying things like "today is a black vortex from which none can escape" now really, the only people privaleged to hear such lamentations was my family but whatever. and then my hair style. no its not dyed black with a bunch of random colors, however it is side parted and it does fall in my face. now this is by no choice of my own, my hair simply wont fall any other way. ive tried to make it, it just doesnt work. aside from that, my similiarity to emo ppl is dead. so why be so emo lately and post random song lyrics? first off, i refuse to let emo ppl claim music on a whole as their own. its not fair. im pretty sure that without my ipod i would go crazy, simple as that. music is just one of those few things that makes sense to me in life. therefore, instead of trying to articulate anythign to anybody i can just get them to listen to song and they'll understand perfectly whatever it is im talking about. thus, i often find that instead of writing out long posts that describe me...uh... *cringes for use of the next word* "feelings" i could just post song lyrics. and so i do. i love to find songs that can be taken quite literally. take for example the last song by the all american rejects. well i started playing games i didnt want to play. and i mean that, i really didnt want to play them, i even said "No" but it didnt work and i got swept into playing anyways and now for the first time in my life i actaully do have a dirty little secret (as in I can literally tell no one, its mind boggling, not even emily can be told) that i doubt will ever be kept, and inevitably the whole thing is gonna end up beign just another regret. soo if this is all true... who has to know?

why be emo on a whole? i suppose i could answer very emo-ish and say that my life is a spiraling vortex that empties into a dark abyss into which darkness inevitably prevades.... however, i will be unemo and say, i just am for the moment. i could go into detail why i can no longer stand to be concious, i could tell you why i only ever find joy in listening to music and taking walks, i could tell you i feel the need to distract myself for an entire day just to distract myself from the next.... however, that would also be unevasive and if any thing i am evasive.however if it annoys, i will try to keep my more emo rants for other audiences and be more animated here.