yikes...eeek....ay ay ay...blah...

urrrrghh! whoever invented boys was an IDIOT! Gosh! ay ay ay... ive got this feeling that (im editing the name outta politeness, for the time we'll call him "steve") steve might like me, and that freaking sucks b/c i just s--t--o--p--p--e--d liking him! norny still thinks i do, and i wasnt sure, but now i know. i stopped damnit. why are boys so stupid? huh!?! he knew i liked him, he coulda asked me out then or something, but nooooooo. he had to wait untill AFTER i decided to just keep him as a close friend. what an idiot! goodness! but who knows, maybe im just crazy and giving myself false flattery. there is a very high chnace im sure that he doesnt like me more than a friend. right? i was suppose to go to the movies with him sat. cuz we're ditching the dance. but now i dont wanna go just with him cuz then i would feel awkward. thankgoodness for super cool friends like tiff and annie and nora and jen who are going to help me turn this into a big group outting... did i mention how frustrating this is? whats worse is i know the kinda guy he is and he just got turned down by that one girl and if he asks me out (i actaully dont think he will... he seems more the type to just let things progress, progress, and then progress until were going out) and i tell him no... i think hed get all depressed. whats worse is if he asked me to go hang out with him last minute b/f i could get my posse of friends to join in i would say yes. b/c its not like i could tell him i dont feel about him that way, b/c he might mean just as friends! urgh! okay ive got to think of an angle.... if "steve" tells me he likes me... i will tell him he...er...aha! ive got it, im a genius!!! i'll accuse him of just being on the rebound from that other girl... and therefore uh... it OFFENDS ME DEEPLY that now after he cant get that one chick he'll settle for me! muhahahahaha! this way, hed feel a.) bad about offending me and not focus on the fact that i dont like him (im gonna try to down play that part) and b.) he might see the wisdom in my words and think too that were better as friends... worst plan ever, decent plan, or damn good plan? who knows though, i could be COMPLETELY wrong. its very possible. its even very plausible. im not gonna say its very probable, but its somewhat probable! eeeek this whole thing is so much unnecessary stress. thats the name of the game this year, unnecessary stress. que estupido... yikes, why the hell didnt he feel this way about me like a month and a half ago?!?!? the fool.. so input my friends, should he say he likes me, whats the best way to play it?

qotd~"blah"

annie come freaking home!


*editing*

okay well now its official, i know he likes me, at least a little anyways. myspace is a funny invention... he didnt mean to tell me, and if i was a nice or honest person i would have stuck to my word and not looked. but come on, remember who were dealing with.... so yeah it was that stupid myspace quiz, it tells you to fill out your top three crushes names to check for compatability, then when you hit "calculate" is actaully resends it back to the person who sent it to you. (funnn eh?) stevo filled it out then begged me just to delete it... i said i would, why not keep his mind at ease? well anyways im number two. um... should i woot or unwoot for that?
that girl who he liked but found out she likes someoen else is number 1, we all shoulda known that, he told all of us! and i wont betray his numero tres. but geh, why couldnt this have happened to me 2-6 weeks ago?!? i would have been estatic then. but now im just confused. i wanna like him again, i really do. but i told myself for a long time that i dont like him or anyone else. and after telling yourself something so persistantly for a good amount of time, it begins to sink in. i dunno what i want to or am going to do. i cant decide whether i like him or not! grrr. im pretty sure i dont, but you never can tell with these things. i wish i didnt have to be thinking about this. i was happy accepting that he didnt like me and then moving on. damn "steve" hes halted my forward motion! in a way i just hope he manages to go out with either of the other two girls, then i wont have to decide. at the same time, im afraid i wont jump on this opportunity and regret it later. well good news is that he doesnt know that i know he likes me (at least a little). so i can continue to play dumb (not hard for me =P)and just wait it out. eventaully i'll have to come to an answer, but hey, eventaully is later!

2ndquoteoftheday~" Crush #2: Ashley Roberts "- courtsey of crushcalculator.com




*more editing*
URGH! im such an idiot! i keeep flirting with him! why am i so stuuuuuuuupid?!?!?! its so funny... if i like a guy im comletely quiet around him... if i dont like him im all talkative and flirtatious, can you say BROKEN!?!?

hopefullythelastquoteoftheday~

"socc3rstud04: ill go lose my virginty and then ill tell you that im a bad person, okay?
Ashez918: the only true question is which girl do you have in mind?
socc3rstud04: YOU
Ashez918: i knew it!
socc3rstud04: lol i was just throwing out the idea, no one set in mind.
Ashez918: so... wanna come over? ;)"

yeah, i know.. im going to hell

*does the whole screaming inside of head thing (like elain) and for whatever reason adopts renees accent...*

shorty!

mad short post, for i have mad short time

school

math test after words (didnt go too bad actaully)

christmas decorations

i procrastinated on the computer

i really kinda hope [edited] does NOT like me, cuz i decided a while ago to stop liking him and then i would have to hurt his feelings. and frankly, id hate to make him feel the same way he made me feel.

BIOLOGY... freaking b!

i still have spanish... no way im doing it tonite...

LOTS of tarea tomorrow...

Me and nora are getting jobs, finding hot boys, then going on double dates, heck yes!

SLIGHT back spasms, dont go freaking out, its not a big deal...

qotd~ "ngu, ngon"

oh sweet melody

i really like that west indian girl song... i dunno, its just awesome. yeah, so a productive day.... seriously MAD productive.

firstly, yes, i have a RED LEAF!!!!

secondly, i did back breaking labor. okay so my backs not broken, but it felt like it would break, really painful. i was getting the christmas decorations down from the attic, and they werent heavy. but anything involving mine bending over is fairly painful (thought im getting better!) and lifting stuff at the same time, can you say, eeeew?

then i started homework, im not too far through it, but im somehwat, so woot!

geh, i should prolly finish homeowkr.

i'lll wait till the west indian girl song is finsihed

whats great about that band is that they dont have lyrics that really mean anything or make sense, but their melodies, are just, whoaly super cool (heck yes, i just made the word "whoa" an adverb....

yeah annie needs to come home, i miss her! and i know something she doesnt know... annie if you wanna find out my secret, ask brie, she'll sell her trust to you for five bucks! no joke! thats how i found out about the secret.... but she says she'll pay the five bucks back if i tell her my secret santa.... is my honesty and trust worth five bucks? what am i saying?!?! HECK YES it is!

"ever notice that ppl say sweet dreams and not pleasant dreams... its b/c only the word sweet can look like this, sWEeT dreams.... think about it" -lmao

like a mad man laughing at the rain

so i was thinking about my title. its one of those quotes that i saved. i have this outside notebook cover that is blue that i love more than most any other inanimate object and it has just quotes, sayings, and really everything that i love. well usually i just hear something and say, i love that and write it down. well i started thinking about the mad man laughing at the rain one.

first you have to look at the lyrics right after that one


"like a mad man laughing at the rain
little outta touch, little insane
just easier than dealing with the pain" (the end part is said with conviction)

so yeah, im wondering is he really mad? he laughs at the rain, dont we all? isnt it easier than dealing with the pain? and whats so wrong with laughing when you have no call to? havent you ever come to a point where its either laugh or cry, and you dont give a damn which you do but youve got to, GOT TO, do something, anything. sitting there emotionless will actaully kill you as monotoy, pain, sadness, strife, or whatever your devil may be weighs down upon you? anyone ever notice that if there is no sound, sometimes its hard to tell if someone is laughing or crying? youre eyes squint up, youre face kinda cracks. the same muscles are being used im sure, when you smile and cry. its seriously hard to tell. both ways your mouth just kinda widens... and havent we all asked that... "is he/she laughing... or crying?" we honestly dont know. the only way to tell is that each state of beign as an outflow of emotion that has to come out lest we die. youre sad, tears fall down. youre happy,lauhgter rises. if theres is no sound, soemtimes is its just hard to tell. ever wonder if our mad man in quesiton had just cried to much? wonder if it was his own tears that were making the rain? at some point you need to laugh. to laugh at the rain, laugh at your own tears. what more can you do? youve warn one emotion completly dry, sometimes we just havent any more tears left to cry. so you need to laugh. maybe he had just reached the breaking point. the point where there was no more lauhging. there was no more crying. it had built up and up and up and he was going to litterally drown in his own sea of tears. the breaking point is when you realize there is nothing left it infer. nothing left to hope for. its the time when there is no grey space nothing to wonder or think over. everything is what it is. black and white. light and dark. ppl arent meant to see things like that. sometimes knowing too much can kill. everyones heard "ignorance is bliss" well if thats so true (and i believe it is) then enlightenment is a bitch. sometimes ppl dont want to know. dont want to see things for how they are. you think youre doing them a favor? telling it to them like it is? youre condeming them to a terrible fate. what fate? i dont rightly know, once it happens i s'ppose you go mad and laugh at the rain... fun huh? i dont remmeber where i was going with this. and im sure i didnt do any justice to the quote but i have to end it here, my neck hurts and im outta thoughts to write down. well, i never am outta thoughts but just outta relevant ones that mean anything, even if its nothing

qotd~"i feel... blue"

epiphonic moment test... and i passed! *sighs in relief*

im soo glad i had my epophonic moment, its being put to the test lately, but w()()t i passed! YES! i love this whole "not liking boys" it makes it so much easier when they dont like you, b/c you can just be "psssh, i don even like you anyways!!! so HA!" yeah so guess what, i hate nick smilie! i hope that she gets pregnant. and that she cheats on him with another guy! and that he finds the two of them screwing each other! and that hes heartbroken! freaking whench! stupid man whore! yeah thats all ive got to say, woot for turkey day!

more on nick later

qotd~"are you serious? nick!??! he doesnt have the balls to bang his girlfriend..." (i love my sister, shes got the best quotes!)

west indian girl

parting lyrics...

west indian girl, "what are you afraid of?"

"I lost myself inside someone else
I couldn't see the lines between her and me
On a darker road, the fear I've shown
With eyes of stone, he walks alone

What are you afraid of?
All the years fade away
What are you made of?
From the ties that hold us down
What are you fighting for?
To feel them all
What are you dying for?
To be free

Who tonight will change your life"

2ndqodt~"2nd quotes of the day are lame.... YOURE LAME..."

turkey and cali

ahhh! so, im going to be neglecting my blog for abouta a week or so, going to cali putas!! w()()t...yeah i should go pack, im leaving in a few hours...

night all and happy turkey day!!

q(s)otd~"wouldnt it be great if the turkey was really our national bird? go Ben F.!!!"
"turkey for me... turkey for you... i like turkey like a good boy should"- ( adam sandler is a freaking genious...)

past eves

Amongst Rotted trees, and sickle leaves
Along the dead and dying grass
Through the decayed scent of past eves
I run thought it fast

And branches hold and grasp me
thorns pervade my dress
but even if I were to break free
Still my life would digress

How do you come to such a place?
What is it that has no face?
How does something flee from life?
Something’s lost, is it strife?

Amongst the rotted trees and sickle leaves
Along the dead any dying grass
Through the decayed scent of past eves
I run through it fast

But for me it is to stay
I simply cannot escape the grey
See, no matter how fast I run
I just feel like life is no more fun

qotd~ "where fallen creatures slothy lain... whilst micheal jordan wears his hanes"

yeah i feel like i should post, because thats like, what i do... yeah, im slightly peeved, but only slightly. i feel like ive been shunned, and its not the greatest feeling, its not too bad, but still im not crazy about it either. and for anyone who reads my blog regularly, it has nothing to do with you so dont worry =D... yeah today there was a lot, of lot of clealing... que divertido, you cant top that. yeah, im gonna go to bed now, not b/c im tired but b/c its cold in my brothers room and stevie jack is very warm... its weird calling my electirc blanket stevie jack, many i'll just call him s.j. hmm, yeah, ive nothing left to say.

-shleebobs

qotd~"what are you waiting for?"

unneeded h's rock my stevie jack...

cool day today... twas very cold. actaully a little too cold in my house. i like it when its cold outside, but i like it to be warm in my house. i got 3 hours of sleep last night and when i woke up and it was freezing cold in my house, i decided that i loved my electric blanket more than anything or anyone else at that moment. then i named it stevie jack... yeah, i got 3 hours of sleep ppl, i wasnt exactly in my right mind. then i went to school, stuff happened there im sure but i cant remember. then i think i had an allergic reaction to something (which would be my first allergic reaction to anything) my legs got all red and burned, looked like i had a bad and splotchy sunburn :(

well then my mom gave me benedral(sp) and i fell asleep for about 5 1/2 hours. funnnn... now i really need to study for the bio exam that i am most definitely gonna fail, i hate loxely. then i ate dinner, watched an episode of the simpsons, and now am here. looked up songs by norah jones, i really need to get her cds, to much to buy off itunes for financially challenged me. yeah i also decided ive got to buy a polly pocket. anyone remember those? i completely forgot they existed until tiff called nora a "freaking polly pocket" and which point i was like "ahh! polly pocket was the best!!!!" yeah, those things ruled. anyways im waking my brother up, so i gotta get outta here.

-shlee

qotd~
"And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me"

ay ay ay

so much work to do today... que lastima... but ive said it before and i'll say it again, music makes it all better. i swear, i might kill myself if i went deaf. anyways though, listening to old music today, but old music is good so dont "psssh" me, its good i tell you! i dont know who the bands are, or what the songs are called, but its old stuff my mom remembers and was listening to. i like it, some of it a lot. anways es todo, necesito terminar mi diario para la clase de Ingles AP, QUE DIVERTIDO!!!

<3 shleebobs

qotd~"Youre so cold, keep youre hand in mine"

best damn post in a long, long time... warning, bad language...

so ive decided to turn over a new leaf... and oh yes my friends, it is a red leaf, with asian laser vision eyes, and some day it will kick charlie the super mutated turkey's ass! so HA!

so if it hasnt been observed by the readers of my blog that i have been fairly unhappy since about the start of school, well then youre none to bright are you? but ive decided.. had an epiphonic moment if you will... that the main reason of my unhappiness is that i have been feeling very lonely. it struck me as sad that at 16 ive never been so much pecked on the cheek. thus to solve such a situation i was really hoping on getting a boyfriend. when my plans were thwarted, not once, but twice, i fell into a deeper state of unhappiness. now my epiphonic moment was truely epiphonic, i mean really. i got into some deep junk, and if i could i would tell you all about it. maybe i will try, im not sure, but yeah. condencsed this is how i see it. ive got through 16 years of life without a boyfriend. and on a whole those have been a pretty damn good 16 years. there were times when i was happier than i am now, and time when i was sadder, but i got through them, and enjoyed them completely on my own, save my friends and family. is a boyfriend needed? obviously not, otherwise i would have parished long ago. what brings all this up? nora actaully. nora asked me if i still like (fill in name to best of your ablility), and i wasnt sure how to answer. now i am sure. ive decided the answer is no. and im very glad ive come to this decision. i hate being unhappy (doesnt everyone?) and really, liking someoen that i cant have (which at this point would be about every guy i know) only makes me unhappy. so ive come to a kinda emily decision. i dont plan to focus on guys. i dont think im gonna even let myself start to like any of them at the moment. see all modesty aside (and i dont like doing this, so take note) im an okay gal. i think im supportive, try to make ppl feel special and good about themselves. when someones having a bad day (and if i notice) i wanna make it better for them. i like being trusted, and if youre good enough, i'll trust you too... well ive noticed that several ppl take advantage of me because of those things, might even see them as weaknesses. and as too many ppl do they exploit such weaknesses. and frankly, i dont think i really deserve that. on my myspace my headline it says "im the one you dont know you need for your ego" the actual song lyric is "im the one that you dont know you need to keep for your ego, make me blind when youre eyes close" but yeah, step back and think about what that means. it means, that while we might not like someone the way they like us, we keep them around sd an ego boost. we arent even aware we do it, ( in all honesty, coby was the one i didnt know i needed for my ego). we dont care enoguh for this person to be equal with them, and we might say that we wish them to move on, but in all honesty, its flattering to be liked. flattering to know someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. well at first it made me mad to think someone was boosting their ego at my expense, after all, arent i nice? arent i a good enough person? dont i try to always make them feel better? why should they profit from my unhappiness? like a bloody parasite! then it occured to me... that it is by no fault of their own that they profit from my unhappiness, merely a fault of my own. as long as i make myself unimportant enough that i give them their boost of confidence all the while sacrificing my own self worth, it is my fauly. i didnt realize i was doing it at first.. but now im sure i was... i dont like the confident tone that ppl speak to me with, like they know that i will do what i ask b/c they are my weakness, b/c i like to help, b/c i like to please. i just wanna shout, I DONT HAVE TO DO A DAMN THING YOU ASK, AND YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND THAT IM DOING THIS B/C I WANT TO, NOT B/C YOU EXPECT IT SO MUCH THAT YOU WILL IT TO BE SO! i dont like the smug attitude (and maybe its only one that i invent in my mind, but lo que sea) of anytime i decide shes good enough, she'll readily take me back... heres the deal everyone, ive thought it over, ive decided. i havent been treated very nicely. i havebnt been given the proper respect. i havent been appreciated. is it vain to say this? selfish? yeah, it most certainly is.. but every once in a while EVERYONE needs to throw down the stupid blanket of modesty and humbleness and be big enough ppl to admit what they are and what they arent. im telling you with no guilt or shame, that im an alright person. that someday someoen will see that, and i'll live a freaking happy life. and maybe it wont happen, well then fuck, i guess i'll be happy by myself, but damit i through with letting other ppl decide my feelings and moods for me. im not going to waste anymore time looking for someone in highschool to see in me what i already see. do i take a sick sense of pride in thinking that someday any guy who passed me up for someone prettier, or skinnier, or with a bigger rack will kick themselves in the ass for ever letting someoen like me go? yeah, i do, so sue me. i take that same pride for everyone i know who are good people. i take that pride for the noras, emilys, jens, annies, and tiffany's of the world. damnit, we are better than what this f'ed up highschool has to offer, and i'll be damned if i lower myself so much so as to feel HONORED to go out with some loser who doesnt know what he freaking has anyway. there ive said it. ive been completely vain, and completely self centered, and completely full of myself. ive worn, for once im my life, my pride on my sleeve. im here to say that im a ashley marie fucking roberts, and i dont need this shit it in my life anymore. you wanna take advantage of me? you want me to sacrifice myself for your happiness? go ahead, knock yourself out. but im telling you now, it aint gonna happen.

dont confuse me, im not mad, im jsut empowered. i feel like myself again more right now then i have in the past 4 months or so. this is me. you dont like it? to bad. i dont really care. this post isnt specifically to (again fill in name to best of ablility), or [[edited for my convenience, shut your face coby and DONT tell]], or any guy that i have ever liked who has liked someoene else. its too all ppl everywhere who take advantage of good ppl everywhere.

no more moping, no more sad depressing blogs. that just aint me, i like life, and i plan to live it up, thank you very much. you all should do the same.

-ashley

qotd~"You had your chance, YOU BLEW IT. outta sight, outta mind!" rock on kelly Clarkson

i think im cracking up

hey i was productive today, plus ten cool points to me. i cleaned my room and my bathroom, you cant top that... plus i rewrote the title of my blog, yeah that took like thrity seconds, but lo que sea. and well, that is more or less it... but still, it was something.

music put me in a good mood today, woot for music!

umm, i have to eat stupid stuffed peppers, and i hate stuffed peppers, theyre so gross!

great, i just realized, i did end up wasting my three day weekend, damn. i was so set on not wasting it....

okay, i dont have much more to say... but i dont wanna stop typing. i like doing this, and frankly thats weird, b/c i use to hate diaries. and thats what this is, just a big long diary. my theory is that it takes me longer to write, and thus i dont get my ideas out fast enough, and then lose half of them. and losing ideas is very frustrating. but since im a fairly fast typer i get more of my ideas in, not as much, but a fair amount... so woot for typing skills!

i bought this hair product for my hair the otherday (what else would you buy hair product for?) to help it not curl. my hair is basically straight, but in a weird twist (no pun inteneded) it gets a little curly aroudn my face.

so lately there is this guy that i know and hes popped back into my life. this guy was the closest i was ever to being "in love" with soemoen. i put that in quotes b/c it sounds so corny. but it was the closest, so hes pretty special. anyways, as i stated clearly above, hes popped back into my life. its only been about 6-9 months since ive last really talked with him, but it seems like so much more. i kinda on a whole forgot about him. but here he is again, and im not sure what that means. i dont even know if i care about him as more than a friend. its just all kinda weird.

um, still dont feel like ive written enough. its been a while since i just made a pointless rambling here. i like pointless ramblings, theyre the best! dont look at me like that, theyre really cool!

*silently, but not silently enough, for several ppl give her weird looks as she talks to her self on the bus, curses the stupid voices in her head*

gotta go, dinner... IT WAS THE BEST! (this has been edited, i didnt have to eat the stuffed peppers but got this really great mix of a rib and pot roast.. soo good!)

qotd~"do you have the time, to listen to me whine?"

*cue smile*

someone: you alright?

me:... uh.. yeah! im fine
*cue fake yet reassuring smile*
just fine!

someone: are you sure?

me: no, i was lying to you the first time! (note that the little joke here is crucial to having someone actaully believe youre "fine")

someone: *quizical look*

me: of course im fine!
*more fake smiling*
*cue topic change*


ever notice that when your really not fine, its actaully work to smile? i mean, real work, like all the muscles in your face are weighing you down, and you want nothign more than to just colapse in all the effort?

quoteoftheday~"yeah, im just kinda wondering... when does it stop hurting?"-(guess)

...and im waiting for...

im waiting for yesterday
to come agian today
waiting for fall,
to have another stay

and im waiting to see the water
flow up from the sink
back in to the facuent
ready for another to drink

and im waiting for the night,
to fade back in to the twilight
waiting to have the rain
fall back into the sky lights

and im waiting for the day
the one that has already passed
im waiting for the time
the one that was too good to last

and im waiting for the burnt out bulb
to shine its light again
to spread its glow unto the world
to give light to what has been

and of all the things i wait for
of all that man says are gone and wont come anew
the one that i wait for most of all,
the one they tell me is really gone
i know its true, but still, the one im waiting for is you...

qotd~"dont you feel silly?"

titles? titles? we dont need no stinkin' titles!!!!

so today i helped out with stugo, i swear i should really just join, i help set up all of their after school activites anyways... and maybe i will, i do like it, its a lot of fun. i'll keep thinking about it. anways, i dont think i have to move to russia anymore... well, i still will, just for different reasons than before. but they share a centralized theme so its all good.... still looking for those earmuffs.... okay im gonna stay up for another hour than go on a date that i know wont stand me up, those are the best kind!

<3 shlee

qotd~"welcome to my life"

ear muffs needed

wow... so i just did the STUPIDEST thing of all time.... it was really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reallly, really, really, reallly, really, really, really, really, really, really, bad...

i cant even bring myself to say it... so here are just some random things goin through my head that will prolly paint a fairly inaccurate idea of whats going on, b/c no, i dont plan to tell you, so HA!

shlees random thoughts below that all centeralize around one stupid mistake...

tiffys fault!

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! how could i have been so stupid?!?!

god hates me and is punishing me

katherin vanshlifeshick (phonetically spelled)

erm....uh...see, its like... yeah... so... er... yeah, just nvm....

*drowning noise*

stupid saved by the bell and lizze mcguire script writers who totally could have scripted this!

when in doubt, use "lol" for all of your stupid ass mistakes!

im talented at breathing

eyeballs

thank god for music, id have died iwthout it

bawahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaah(snort)ahahahahahahahhahaha

yup, im gonna need a coat, damn

people laugh at my misery

im one out of a million... no im one outta TWO million! wtf? why couldnt i be the one outta TWO million who like wins the lottery?

do they eat just fish in russia?

if i wasnt laughing right now, id kill myself...

GODDAMN THE MAN WHO MADE CTRL. V THE THING A MA JIG FOR PASTE. AND GODDAMN THE MAN WHO MADE THE LETTERS "B" AND "V" SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. WHO THE HELL THOUGHT UP TAHT? WHAT A STUPID, STUPID, STUPID IDEA!

haha, jokes on you, i dont have any freinds!

so emily? are you finished with that back in time turning device? what?! your not!?!? come on, its been like 15 minutes, hurry it up all ready! gosh!

*drowning noise* (another for good measure)

maybe its b/c i swear...

ahahah...where do i buy ear muffs?




twoquotesoftheday~

"Im so fu(censored)ing embarrased"- marge simpsons

"we'll keep spinning faster and faster until we literally, blush, ourselves to death..." -adam west, simpsons

both pertain to my life at the moment w99t!

the difference? there is none

could you see the difference bewteen white and black
could you for night and day
light and dark
sun and rain?

would you know the differnece between life and death
sad and joy
a smile or grimace
laughter and pain?

if asked can you say, what the diffence is between march and may?
a sun's set from it rise
the fall from the spring
the water from a flame?

Would you be able to tell, the difference from your heaven and your hell?
from the seeing and the blind
from greeting and being left behind
the difference between the mad and the sane?

what? you say you can?
you say its simple for every man?
then why cant you see, the difference between the crowd and me?
...why cant you explain that the crowd and me are not the same...

qotd~"some things stand on their own, something need to be propped up by long slender pieces of wood that can give you nasty splinters which may or may not result in infection causing your untimely death, unless of course you were destined to die five minutes later by a semi truck inwhich case the death would be very timely indeed, they are also know by a select few as 2 by 4's. i think i need to be propped up..." (i have no idea where that came from, but yeah, i made that quote, and a lovely quote it is...)

a lack thereof

i really wanna write, just to write... but sadly i have nothing to say.
pssh, i take that back i have plenty to say about plenty of things and plenty of times... but alas! i have no time! actaully i take that back, i have plenty of time too! but i dont use it well, thus i have no time for this.. que triste...

i guess my random thoughts shall be kept to myself tonite. crying shame, they woulda been good tonite too.

qotd(whoa, the acrynonm for quoteoftheday is almost spelled "quoted", just minus a few unnecessary vowels..)~"Im not small"

sand

i just want ((censored))
------------

estoy inferma... my left arm hurts, pretty sure im not having a stroke though... watched the movie Carrie and From Here to the Moon... que divertido

think i picked out my prom dress (its nice looking) now i just need to find a date... bawahahhahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha...

now i gotta get off the computer cuz im not suppose to be on it even, plus im suppose to be watching saw right now w/ the family, great family values, i know....

eeew, i feel sick still... now a lotta ppl are gonna hate me im sure... eeew, i wish ceramics was only a semester class

sos! more tissues!

eeew, i have a cold... and im really cold right now (go figure). No post today, if you are so dependent upon my written word that you cannot function a day without it (bawahahahhhahahahah) read old posts if you must....

quoteoftheday~"Wow, look up there? what is it? a bird? a plane? no it's a joke that just went right over your head!"

shot of clarity

So it’s the last day of october… and what a disapointing october it has been. And it should be understood that I use the term "disappointing" lightly. With no exaggeration im pretty sure that this is the worst October ive ever experienced. I look so forward to this time of year, and for what? To be made more miserable than I ever have been? It like waking up Christmas morning, but not only do you find no toys… But someone has replaced your cheerios with little bits or razor wire…. October has about an hour and a half left… I expected disappointment today and my faith in disappointment never wavers, for it is one of the few things that will never disappoint… disappointment that is. I predicted the sad empty void feeling into which I feel now, (does that make me psychic?) I suppose something amazing could happen in (speak of the devil… Someone just made me slightly happier) five minutes, but I try not to hope. See, hope is the cruelest thing you can give to a man. Some say it is the kindest, but it is not. Only for the stupid man is it kind, for the wise who can see past its allusions, it is just glass… not just any kind though, broken glass with jagged edges. And people build it up in your mind, but its also that kind of glass that is cloudy, and distorts things. Makes you believe that there are things that aren’t there. But this isn’t the worse thing about hope. See whats worst is when its shattered. When someone takes it away from you, (or tries) smashes it until only scattered bits remain. Then is when the real pain comes. For all ppl, fools and intellects alike, try to pick up those pieces. We grab them up, and we try and put them together, matching ends that were never meant to stand by each others side. We paste, and tape, and glue, but there is no point. All the while our hands are in tatters, (whoa effing sh** someone else just came on who I could (should?) talk to who would make me happy, but im a coward and wont talk to him {ps, NO ONE knows who this person is, ive kept him a secret for years… just incase you think you know who im talking about ) and we see that the blood is dripping down, but does it really matter? What is that red substance compared to our hope? The distortion of our lives? God damn me… its that hope. I know how awful it is, I can see the cuts, I feel the blood, and lord help me I don’t want to anymore.. but what can I say? I see those pieces and they aren’t stained red just yet… and such stains are so easily washed away. I see the pieces of glass and they shine in the sun. they cannot possibly hurt me as long as I understand what they are capable of, right? Why do they have to look so pretty? Why do they hold so many colors? So many possibilities? Its so irredscent… what color is it really? It is black. its not a shiny black, or velvety, it is just black. Darker than that even. To steal the words of Stephen king, it’s the antithesis of light. Who or what escapes it? Nothing and no one. Even as I type im picking up those pieces. And when im lucky theyre falling down faster than I can put them up. But when im unlucky, theyre holding. Odds and ends stuck together, but theyre holding. Theyre showing me that image, the one I so desperately desire. Let them fall, plz let them fall!!! Give me broken class. Give me torn skin. Let my finger nails hang from splinters, but plz don’t give me the image again. I cant take it. Its too pretty, id stare at it forever, waste away my life in front of it. Make it disappear. Make it black. I don’t want to see anymore. Give me clarity. I know ive fallen short of it for years. But I want it now. I don’t care how harsh it is. I can take the truth. The truth doesn’t open up old scars. Truth doesn’t bleed anew… truth is new everday. It doesnt repeat like some untouchable dream. But I said it before, and im saying it again, no one escapes hope. I wont be any exception to such. I can only guard myself. I will hope, (i simply cant help it) but I will NOT believe. For belief is hope carried too far. Belief is what kills. Hope hurts but belief kills. Im going to continue to hope, but no matter what, I will not trust myself to believe again. Huh… 56 minutes of October left. The month (more day, but w.e) is slightly better than it was half an hour ago… But I will not believe. This really has been the most disappointing October in my existence, I love how disappointment never disappoints me, it always turns up on cue when I predict it as so…

in a laughable but not funny way, i am not sad as i write this. not sad at all. i was before i wrote it, and slightly while i wrote it. but ahh, that shot of clarity has come from writing this all down...

-Ashley Marie Roberts


Quoteoftheday~
“I watched a flower grow today,
I watched it wilt and die
It spoke of many things to me
Of the people that had passed it by

And whether they looked back or not
That’s not for me to tell
But the story that it sang to me
Must be rescued from their hell…”
- yours truly.

ps
i have a random new obsession for stars and the night. i should buy a telescope... anyways, just incase your interested i ended fall just as i brought it in. at 11:55 i went outside and sat on my driveway and just looked at the stars while wonder played. i prolly wont listen to that cd for a long, long time. maybe not till next fall... maybe that one will be better. i dont know. the whole time my teeth were chattering, but this time it was actaully cold. what comes next? the holiday season of course. i like winter too, it brings a rush, a rush that i need (not as much as fall, but stil need) and i am looking forward to it too.... fall disapointed me. i guess i'll just hope that winter doesnt follow the same path.