pinche title (oooh plus two spanish vocab points!!)

hmm, so my blog has turned into something of a myspace...

within two days two people in which i have no link to have now said hi. a first in the history of my blog (which has a small history since its only been around since july, but lo que sea). i find this interesting. my blog always seemed so secluded. do you ever give websites spaces in well, cyberspace? i dunno, i guess i always assumed my blog would have been in some obscure corner.

annnnnnyways, moving on

HA! i dont have to go to school till 11 tomorrow, (AIMS really are an awesome idea). and so that basically makes tomorrow (and wed) are the best days of the week.

accomplishments of the day

i learned what "pinche" means coby!!

pinche ---> fucking

but not as a verb like chingar, more like an adjective, as in that "pinche puta "

good 'ole nancy, bless her and her hispanic-ness (yes, "hispanic-ness", is a very technical term, dont doubt)

um speaking of myspace, i decided to redo my layout since it hasnt been redone since i got it and apparently Tom and his myspace gods frown upon such. i had the best song ever on there, but since only coby and i appreciate good music everyone else got sick of it... losers...

but seriously, tubthumping by chumbawamba is a freaking awesome song.

anyways, im a gonna go and work on that layout as i dont have any tarea.

adios todos

qotd~"shlee, youre like a third degree burn that doesnt go away"
--"um... thanks?"

titles, the overrated, yet included part of the post

so um more or less, i give up.

it isnt a feeling as though ive gotten something off my chest
or a depressing feeling

its just like, well, i guess unclenching your hand after youve been balling it a fist for a long,long time.

whats fun is fun, but whats done it done

whenever you tell me aynthign, i shall always inwardly think wtih my qotd~"LIBU"

good day all

--------------------
past my redundant ((and repetavtive mind you)) rants

so it hasnt rained in forever and a half. you think im lying. im not. seriously, too long, too damn long since its rained. what is it now 130 days? 131? i cant keep track anymore. but its the longest time in arizonas hirstory without rain. anyone know that one comedian? coby you might. i dunno his name. but he was popular in the 80s i think. anyways, he did this skit. and it was great b/c he started serious, which never happens with this guy. well hes addressing the issue of starving people in africa ((yeah im going to hell for finding this amusing)) well he serious and hes telling the audience that somethign has to be done.

nameless comedian~ [blah blah, help other people blah blah less fortunate blah blah]"but you know what...
YOU LIVE IN THE F-U-C-K-I-N-G DESERT! SEE THIS? THIS IS S-A-N-D! YOU CANT GROW FOOOOOOOD IN THE FUCKING DESERT! WE HAVE DESERTS TOO... WE DONT LIVE IN THEM!"

well unfortunately my family is dumb enough to live in the desert. and while somehow we manage to not starve to death, we dont get any rain either

those loser ppl, go under those freaking UV lamps to get happy. well there is nothing you can do if you miss rain.

however, being the genius that i am, i did find something that almost reminds of of rain.

okay, heres whatcha do. you gotta go in the shower, turn on the water. then lie down, with the shower going, & let a tiny layer of water swish around on the bottom of the tub. lay your head down on the bottom of tub. then, you it will kinda, sorta sound like rain on a tin roof.

funnnnn, huh?

anyways, drying up in teh sun...

shlee

great great aunt ann and the suck ass test

me aburrida. que triste.

hmm, so lets see, this weekend is gonna more or less suck. its firday, ive been working all day. my great great aunt it coming into town so my mom is going on psycho cleaning mode (((yay))). and after the massive cleaning, i get to entertain an elderly woman whom ive only ever seen once when i was 8. im sure this makes me sound incredibly selfish but i dont really wanna do that with my whole weekend. this is the first weekend in a long long long long long time where im not bogged down with hours of tarea. and i get to waste it with family who ive never really seen.

geh

well i successfully registered for the sats, about 40 minutes before the cut of date (woot for procrastinating skill there) and now im off to tape more baseboards because my mom is a freak and thinks we need to paint them before my aunt gets here (((she'll be here first hting in the morning... who wants to place a bet that im not only gonna be painting them, but im also not gonna be sleeping tonite? anyone, anyone?)))

con amor,
le shlee

haha

hmmm

so its seems a little too long since ive had a good blog post. its becomign dull to even me, which is not a good sign

unfortunately, my normal, or at least relevant blog posts are just rants, so i cant decide if thats any better than just writin gabout the dull drama (haha drama-shrama, what a dork) that ever prevades my life

right now i know what i should e doing, which is exactly the reason i am blogging. i should be figuring what im gonna say on my spanish oral, i think she expects me to be really good. i sometimes dont think that shes actaully hearing me speak, today she said i spoke very well, but i was using 50% english, so that doesnt really add up. but yeah, i should be figuring out interesting stuff to say about art, but yeah, i dont wanna.

orrr, i could be doing math (bawhahahahaha) test fridya, eeeep.

orrr i could be doing that freaking big bio packet, eeeew. i should go do something, my dad just yelled at me that unless i was doing homework i should get off. i said i was, which is almost true as i do have a pic of persistencia de memoria and was kinda looking at it before i started blogging.

okay, i really am going to go do work. i need to utilize my time better.

okay tis the end of this post, because i have deemed it so.

qotd~"wanna listen?"
takes ear piece
"oh no... another white boy who listens to rap"
"im not like some people, i dont get into it, i just like the music"
smiles and hands it back

"sureee you dont"

and as she spoke, toads, snakes, and horrid things tumbled out of her mouth

i still maintain that i am a heartless bitch.... however, i am about the luckiest heartless bitch that ever lived.

he wasnt thinking along the same lines i was. if he was, he really woulda been mad at me. but thankfuly, hes too preoccupied with other situations to notice.

so yup, im about as lucky as lucky gets

anyways, im off to do biology, que divertido


qotd~"nah i wasnt mad at you, just other things were getting on my nerves"
*cue inward sigh of relief*

of drunks, germans, and square dancers

geh, so i went to the dance. and i cant really decide wether i had a good time or a bad time. okay, story starts like this

so on wednesday or thursday chris asks me to sub for him at the dance. i asked him why. he said he wanted to get drunk with his friends. i said i wouldnt sub for him if he was just going to get drunk. he begged, i remianed firm and said no. finally he promised he wouldnt get drunk. i explained to him that i was being serious and that he needs to be serious too if hes promising, he told me he really wanst going to get drunk, he was just gonnna hang out with ppl. i told him okay. i then remembered one time when he had told me he had been driving around in anthem with a buzz. i told him that if he ever did get drunk in the future i always want him to call me and i would always give him a ride from whereever he was to wherever he needed to be. he also promised me he would always do that.

so cue time of dance.

im there, working his shift at the door (its freaking freezing be the way as i am in a sports jersey and short skirt), when he shows up. i notice hes really hanging all over brie, well i figure hes just lonely for brie, or that maybe he likes her again, im not sure. but then he starts hitting on lauren hyatt, and hes a little louder than usually, and much more easy going than usual. so it took all of about a minute and a half to realize he was drunk. he says to me today that he was just buzzed, but he had tolld me at the dance that he wasnt sure how much vodka he had been drinking, (and seeing as this kid has gotten wasted after one smirnof, im pretty sure a few shots of vodka woulda trashed him.) anyways, this makes me pretty pissed. first off, im freezing my ass of just so he can get drunk off his, then as im sitting there looking up freaking ticket numbers, he doesnt even offer to work his shift. plus, he had compleltely lied to me, not only did he get drunk, he also let this one guy named brennan (not zoto) but a guy on his soccer team drive him to the dance, this brennan character was also durnk...

well this isnt what really bothered me too much. it should have but it didnt. what bothered me i guess most ppl would think was stupid. but it bothered me, a lot i guess. prolly cuz its been happened before (but worse situation and a diff guy)and chris doing it just dragged up bad memories. anyways, while were there he keeps hitting on me and just about every other girl at the dance (INCLUDING MS. DUQUETTE!!!). it wasnt any worse with me, but it made me feel so uncomfortable. i cant stand when a guy hits on me when hes drunk.

i dont know how to really explain it. i guess cuz both times its happened it was with a guy who i really trusted and thought of as a brother. i like to think that they think of me as a sister, someone you look out for and keep safe, you know? but then when guys are drunk i guess that just changes. and frankly, for me its a pretty shitty feeling. its like even though they pretend to care about me, and be my frined, and be like a brother to me, they must not really mean it if they equate me to sex when theyre drunk. does that make sense to anyone? like you think youve found someone who was able to like you just for you, and wants to be around you just for the sake of your company, but apparently not. makes me feel drity, lowered, and cheap. i can see a guy hitting on girls he doesnt know when hes drunk, but shouldnt he care in the least about hitting on me? dont i mean just a little bit more?

now he wasnt too bad i guess. infact it woulda been comical at some points. i heard him sing for the first time in my life. and he was much more open to havni gfun and waht not. at the same time however, he kepts hanging all over me. had his arms on me a lot. the worst was when i was holding the doors open for people, he comes up to me and wraps his hands around my waist, which i could live with, (even when chris is sober he is still one of those people who touches a lot) but then his hands started to go lower *cue panicking on my part* and i actaully had to press my back (and his hands by proxy) against the door to stop theyre slow downward degression. now this could have been for two reasons. he coudl have just been trying to...um... that one expressuion, trying to cop a feel? i think thats it anyways. but since were talking about chris, im more or less throwing that out. im betting he was just not quite cognizant that he was rapidly approaching, a stictly shlee area, hence why i wont ever say anthign about it or hold it agianst him. lol, emily suffered about the same, she swore she thought he was gonna try to kiss her once. (he had already kissed us both a couple of times on the cheek, but he was apparently really close to her and she was freaking out (in her head at least)). well after that i started to have older memories brought to the surface and i kinda felt like a whore, sooo dancing with emily all slutty like (just with my GIRL friends for fun, i dont even dance with boys on principle!) seemed like an unfun idea.

sooo *cue my leaving the cafeteria to go out and work the door some more, even no one was really buying tickets anymore.* well i offered to take kennys shift (he looked at me like i was a complete psycho, but very happily took me up on the offer), and sat out there. for a while it was just me and Christian, but since i guess i have gotten over my shy factor (this is a subject i must explore on later) i just started talking to him, mostly about chris and what not. hes a pretty cool guy, i had barely ever talked to him before, but he seeems alright. anywyas, after that brennan zoto came to hang out with us, appaerntly he doesnt like dances either. so the three of us talked for about 45 minutes with duquette making random appearances. then emily and some chick named kaitlyn came out with us. and we talekd for the next hour and fifteen minutes. during hte time i got dates to sadie hawkins!!! see, duquette had some out once and asked if the guys had been asked, then asked if us girls had asked anyone. when we all said no, i think she called us losers or something. so i look to christian and said, "Hey christian, wanna go to sadie hawkins with me?!?!". then becuase i am such a pimp, i asked brennan and therefore got not one, but TWO dates!

oooooooh im good. in all the being outside time was well spent.

welll after two hours of being outside, the dance was just ending. so i go in and clean up for about 40 minutes. again, im a little annoyed at the fact that chris didnt offer to work his cleaning shift even though he was right there (and i had nearly turned into a one of those reallly old popsicles that ppl forget about in the back of the freezer that gets all the freezer burn on it and you end up just throwing it away cuz all the flavor has been sucked outta it), and decided just to leave.

i guess on the whole im gonna just let this chris drunken thing go. im making too big a deal of him hitting on me, i know. i just cant help how it made me feel. i dunno if its gonna affect at all the way i think about him, i still feel betrayed by that other guy. but chris wasnt half as bad as him, so i guess i just need to pretend it didnt happen. or at least convince myself that im just way blowing things outta proportion.

anwyays, a little out dated "qotd" b/c its from earlier in the week and i just kinda forgot about it (or didnt really feel like mentioning it =P)

notsoquoteofthedayasmuchasitisaquoteofthedayfromsomeuntoldtimelastweek~
him-"so talk to me about it. youre the third girl who has talked to me about her problems today."
me-"well, its just that..."

(((a good while later the conversation ends)))



--------
psss
it doesnt matter if i do or do not like him. so there.


---------------

upon editing, ive decided that chris didnt do anyhting that i should have been able to predict. and im just a freak. besides, if i was gonna get mad at him for lying to me, i missed my chance. see i have this problem, where unless i yell at someoen right when im mad at them, i never will, even if it still bothers me. i dunno, i just cant. its like all my stanima is gone and the fight has died outta me. so i just forget about it. which im sure istn the best thing to do, but lo que sea.

pob (no i didnt spell 'poub' out wrong... but as a test, can anyone guess why 'pob' would be of any improtance? why i would choose it as a title?)

urgh

so im very upset at the idea of having koons and anderson as AP teachers next year. its just awful. i can live with having koons (even though id prefer duquette) but anderson instead of hickman!?!? no way... im going to start advocating (which constitutes as whining)against this teacher switch. but i have to do it sneakly because im not even suppose to know that this is the teacher schedule for next year. i figure i'll go to my councellor and tell her that i decided to drop AP chem and stugo, and then just casually ask if the same teachers are teaching AP this year, cuz if theyre not i dont wanna take them. wehn she says theyre not, thats when i get to start my campaign! yay! gosh, if this doesnt work im gonna be miserable next year :(..

so im listening to work out music. maybe this is my subconcious (you know, i have no idea how to spell "subconscience" i would guess that, or mabye "subconcious" but i really just dont know...) telling me to GO WORK OUT!! maybe.... hmm, well were talkign three days grace and stabbing westward (that last one sounds emo... but its really not)

i have this problem lately where i keep waking up MAD late for school. its getting to be a bothersome. i barely made it on time today.

i love how i feel no need for transitions whatsoever when iwrite my blog. it makes it so much easier.

eeep, i got 2 essays to write, study for a super facil span. test, gotta make a politcal cartoon, gotta finsih math homeowrk, and need to get info on flies (which our group totally made up cuz were terrible llike that) wow,homework in every class, thats weird. yet still i feel no stress at all. doesnt seem like that much i guess.

anways, im a gonna go do that ("that" can be translated into "nothign of importance")

qotd~"
"yeah, i know, but i didnt get to fisih yesterday"
"well i did finsih yesterday."
*i smile* "well then that makes you a genius i guess"
*smiles* *extends balled up fist* "bop it, come on"
*i 'bop' hand*

shut up, terribly corney but whatever...


editing

haha, my dumb little sis got bit by a dog

okay im not really laughing at her, infact i was fairly worried at first. but i took care of her. got hydro. peroxide, neosporn (sp?), and bandaids. the dog broke the skin, but she wasnt bleeding, just a little bruised. twas the neighbors dog, (anyone know kyle o'mera? yeah, his dog...) yeah, i had to play nurse, que divertido!

phew

so thats over *weight lifted off chest* i thought i was gonna throw up. but that didnt happen, yay. i still dont feel all that great about it. i broke it down to him. told him how i felt. he took it nicely. good thing is i dont think he really, really liked me. he scared me for a bit cuz he wouldnt talk to me. anywyas, i just hope were still frineds.

and im going to remain unphased (like always) by the guy mentioned below. i barely like him anyways. and why want something i cant have? no reason to. so woot, im gonna kill this before it even starts.

and that about sums it up.

valentines day jsut sucks on principle

bye bye

qotd~"if guys had periods... they would compare tampon sizes!"

meh... im a little too unhappy with this to even write it backwards as i do most three letter words...

...great im starting to like a guy that i definitely have no chance with and that im definitely not allowed to like. this freaking sucks. stupid life. thinks its so cool with its evil ironic twists.

qotd~ *he smiles* "youre kinda quiet"
me- "i guess im just trying to... learn" ((sarcastic voice))
him-"ah come on, you should already know this stuff"
me *shrug*

*cue end of our total converstation for the day. yeah its pathetic, but whatever. not like i need to get to know him more, i cant be with him anyways. despite his being the first nice and attractive guy ive seen at bc. plus im pretty sure he likes a gorgeous girl, so lets move on eh?

two revelations id like to share

so i learned two things about myself in the past few days.

escalation of the phone:

firstly my fear of phones has turned into a hatred of phones. i dont soo much mind using them like i use to. if someoen calls i can handle it. (not to say i couldnt before, but i use to just really hate phone calls from people who i wasnt all that close with) well now my phone fedish has progressed into hatred. i CANT stand pointless, meaningless, aimless, purposeless (etc.) phone calls!!! theyre sooo dumb! why are you wasting my time with them? heres the deal, i call people for several reasons... if theres somethign big i have to tell them, to cheer them up, if im really depressed and need to confide in a friend, or something that comes right to the point like homework, or when to see a movie, or something. i wont ever, (and dont ever want) make stupid phone calls and ask a person something stupid, like how was your day? "erm.. it was good... yours?" or about some stupid class that held little importance. i dont like it, okay! why is that sooo hard to understand? this is one of the key reasons to why i DONT want a boyfriend... and may never want one... but this leads into our next topic

Commitment calamity: (nice aliteration, huh?)

okay so my newest fear... commitment. yup thats right, im terrified of it. its funny cuz i had never known, and if you had asked me if I was afraid to commitment a few weeks ago i would have said no for sure. this was somethign i really didnt know about myself cuz it had never been tested. well its been tested and the results are positive, im a spineless person who fears commitment, who woulda thought? well since this is only about one guy, i cant be positive that i fear commitment altogether or just with him... but anyways, allow me to give you some examples that jen found amusing...

yesterday im talking with annie... shes trying to convince me i like chris, and im trying to convince her i just dont know yet (by the way i figured that one out... more on that at bottom, but dont just skip to the bottoM!)well at some point she says something like, "its you and chris".

okay whoa, take a step back... this is gonna sound pathetic, but waht the hell is up with that word "and"???? i dont like its implications. its like its trying ot deceive me by pretending its a small, insignificant conjunction... BUT THATS JUST IT!! I DONT WANT TO BE CONJOINED!! eeeeeep. it freaked me out. its not like i have a history with chris. why should we be conjoined with "and"??? i dunno, a mental image of that sentence shows just one entity of me and chris, and wow.... talk about freaky. i dont wanna be one entity with someone!! i want to be a seperate entity. i like being my own person. you know those people who say dumb shit like, "youre my other half..." "you complete me" "im not whole wtihout you"

w--t--f people?? I am one person... you are one person... so why together are we just ONE person!? its TWO people damnit! i belive that ONE and ONE makes TWO!! so just stop wtih this, other half shit, and learn to count, one and one makes two!

okay so that wase the first thing that im sure i made waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to big of a deal out of... the second is in my mind funnier, because it makes me panic all the more.

so tiff is talking to chris. and of course she brings up my name and asks wahts going on. at first chris answers correctly, "nothing were just friends" but after that...
*cue sick feeling*
he said that nothing was happening yet but might happen later. i would just like to ask why i wasnt allowed to have a say in this???? its like hes already vouching for me, isnt that what like married couples do??? well anyways then tiff says hes confusing. and he replies that he isnt confusing, that he just likes to develop relationships then back into them...

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... this shouldnt bother me as much as it does. but yikes it freaks me out. the idea of our friendship just progressing on till the point where he suddenly thinks were in a "relationship" (which by the way, i hate that word) freaks me out. like wow, how do i prevent a thing like that?!?! id have to stop hanging around him, but hes freinds with all my friends. not to mention that he keeps calling me.

well the other part of that sentence, the one that makes me panic most is the "i just like to back into relationships"

okay, why- i dont know, but that makes me feel like he's setting a trap for me!!! one that hes sure i cant avoid! and AHHHHH a trrrrrrrrrrrap! i dont wanna be trapped! thats one of my biggest fears. infact i think its my most basic, instinctual fear! i hate when i can move if i want to. I dont have claustrophbia, but if soemoens sitting on my legs and i cant move, i freak out. so yeah, this feels like a trap now! and in my survivor attitude i want to RUN away as FAST as i can! its like if i were watching the movie of my life i would be throwing the popcorn in the air screaming "run you fool! save youreself while you still cannnnnnnn! faster, hes right behind you!!!!!!"

so basically yeah, ya think i might have some deep embedded issues? i gave it thought as to why i am this way. i came up with a pretty decent answer too

(side note, i decided, 100% that i dont like chris. i dont exactly know how to deal with the situation, but at least im sure on what how i feel (which is an oxymoron as im pretty sure i dont have feelings, or a heart, jst fyi))

so heres my theory. and i dont say this for pity, nothing i ever right here is for pity, so plz dont come to me on your own time and say things that im sure are sentimental and what not, i just dont care all that much. i write what i like, want, and need to and thats about it. any "healing" power your words will do is prolly already done by mine having written it out in the first place. anways...

so there have been about three stages in my life.

when i was very young between ages 5-9 i was very queit. not at all like i am now. it got to the point where if i were in a room by myself, i thought of it as an empty room. empty not just of other people, but of anyone in general. kinda like the power to be invisible, but not have the power to turn it off. for a good long while this annoyed me. i was constantly screaming in that empty room of mine. i wanted to be seen, and heard like everyone else. well then i guess that one day my throat just got to hoarse to carry on one more cry of protest, so i stopped. i was ten years old and i had moer or less completely adapted to myself, or lack thereof. by 12 i didnt want to be heard anymore. not only did i not mind not being seen, but i was almost enjoying it. its like for the first time i realized being invisble could be fun. and here my firends is where it went down hill. because unfortunately, the power of invisibility comes with a catch 22. as i became more at peace wtih myself and overall happy, i guess you could say i began to solidfy, until one day, yes, i was in the room, it was empty save me, but hell i was in it! good thign or bad thing.. i dunno, either way i was there. this wasnt much of a chnage. but then i grew more into myself, i became who i am. stopped carying about what people, who i couldnt even see, thought. well then my firends, that was the final straw. now im not only in the room, but its not empty anymore. after years of solitary confinement, i fianlly have some company. and frankly, its not always the easiest to adapt. the idea of someone always around me, always calling me, always just being there... well thats just tooo much human contact for me to take right now. infact, when things are too hectic i wish i could just melt back into an empty room. that i would be able to look down to where my feet should be and see nothing. i think thats why i go out late at night or early in the morning. no ones awake, no one sees me. just invisible me with my invisible shadow.

anyways the most important thing to address now is, what to do with chris?? he doesnt know that i dont like him. infact me prolly thinks i do like him, cuz i asked him to sadie hawkins, but i was inbetween a rock and a hard place there for reasons im not going into. plus i admit i flirt with him a lot. but i figured it was just between friends. if i had thought he might like me i never woulda started, but now that its normal for us to be playful, its hard to just go back to being distant w/o seeming like a bitch. oh and what about these phone calls???? theyre going to kill me! i didnt wanna bf cuz i didnt want the weight of having to talk to him every night before i go to bed, and now waht? its not just at night before i go to bed, its just all aroudn a lot! gosh, ive talked to him more on the phone the past three days than anyone else, you know how off balance that throws my usual phone spending hours??? i just dont know what to do... advice, anyone?

pssst
this is for real guys. for emily, nora, jen, and annie who really want this to happen between me and chris, it just aint. im serious, and dont give me any denial junk either. i actaully understand how i "feel" or more correctly dont feel.

qsotd~"catching things in webs and eating their insides"- blink 182
"i dont wanna be your other half i believe that one and one makes two"-alanis morissette (gotta love her...)


ps
im going to latvia, im pretty sure at least!!!!

recap people

okay so lets recap, more for the enjoyment of the readers than for my own because writing such is not exactly fun....

so for those who werent there to witness my freaking out when chris started texting (which would be everyone but coby {and since only coby and annie read this, this is really only for you annie}), i was freaking out!

so it goes pretty much like this...

chris-- can i ask you something weird or awkward?

me-- yeah sure, we talk about weird stuff all the time, go ahead. ( i figured it was something just weird, not like awkaward...)

chris-- do you have feelings for me?

*cue freaking out stage*
*cue a short convo where coby says if a guy asks that he prolly likes you*
*more freaking out*
*laughing on cobys part b/c its chris*

ashley-- my, that was akward, um... can i ask what brings this up now?

chris-- idk its just that hanging out with you lately i developed some feelings but i dont wanna do anything dumb and plus i want to be sure of my feelings before i say anything. i dont want it to be like last time. idk its confusing.

(((interlude: just so everyone knows, i always thought the word "feelings" was incredibly corney, mainly because i believe i dont have any and anyone who does is just broken.)))

ashley-- i gotta think about this, okay?

chris-- k. sorry that was so weird.

ashley-- no it wasnt, i just need to think.

*cue emily coming over and more freaking out on my part*

so i talk with emily for about an hour, until around 2 in the morning. the converstation can be sumed up as so...

ashley-- i dotn know if i like him or not!!!

emily-- yeah, you do. call him back and tell him you do.

ashley-- but emily, you dont get it, i DONT know if i like him!

emily-- yeah you do, just text him! youre prolly killing the kid. hes prolly miserable. come on, do it.

ashley-- but i dont wanna give him false hope if i dont like him!!!!!

emily-- just do it

*cue the effects of peer pressure*

(((so i send a text to chris, i wont write it out again cuz it was really long. but basically it was something along the lines of-- whoa, deja vu ((for coby, this situation happened back in oct. only the roles were reversed)), um, i just dont know chris. i dont wanna tell you know then end up regretting cuz i just hadnt realized. what if we just tried going out for a week or so? then wed both know how we felt, and if it was weird we could jsut stop and there would be no hard feelings, and wed still be frieds. what do you think?

*cue ashley up for the next three hours*

during these three hours i went outside sat on top of my truck and listend to my music. it was freaking freezing. the whole time i was pissed b/c i figured chris had fallen asleep and didnt get the message. this upset me b/c it isnt fair that i have to be stuck with temporary insomnia (which was totally and completely his fault) while he sleeps it up in his warm bed! yeah well im sitting on the top of my suburban when my dad gets home from work and that lead to a few awkward questions. but yeah. anyways i manage to fall asleep, to no avail seeing as i freaking dreamt about the whole terrible ordeal, which made it a terrible night sleep. i didnt get up for church!

well then this morning chris texts me

chris--hey sorry about last night. i didnt mean to make it akward. ignore what i said, k?

ashley-- oh, okay, then i guess just ignore that really long text i sent you at like 230 in the mornign.

chris-- oh, you did? i didnt get it. okay, that sounds good.

*cue end of ordeal*

now in light of the preceding events... let me share with you all a revelation of the utmost genious.... there is going to be an island

all the girls are going to be on one island, and all the boys on another island. now, our girl island is going to allow several boys, ambercombie modeling type, and they are going to be there soley for our pleasure and reproductive purposes. however, THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK! that is key, once boys start talking, theyre useless to us. they cause CONFUSION and MAYHEM! basically in this way the girl island will be perfect, and yeah, yay for the island!

((emily who has seen the movie "the island" says my idea is the same as theyre, and i say wtf??? stop stealing my idea hollywood bastards!!!!!))

okay so im done now

QOTD~"can you say, 'freaking worst weekend ever!?!?"



okay, a bit of editing


W--T--F?!?!?! if you all knew, why didnt you tell me!!!!!! worst freidns EVER.. "oh yeah, we totally knew he liked you!"
why didnt you tell me????
i dunno...


loser wench FACES!

repeat title.... eeeeeeeeeep

"eeeeep" is my new word for "AHH" and i keep saying it over and over again because someone... CHRIS keeps is asking me qeusitons that i DONT KNOW THE ANSWERS TOO!

I DONT KNOW!

EEEEEP


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

you know, it would have been so much easier if he did something where i didnt have to think. like if there was a good moment, ie, yesterday as we laid in the bed of his truck at three int he morning, and he jsut kissed me, then i would know. but you cant just ask me then expect me to commit one way or the other. i just dont know!


qotd~"boys are stupid, throw rocks at them"~best damn quote ever.

los estreas de febrero

geh

i just am unhappy.

i feel like charlie brown, im the onyl person in the wrold who can take a great time like the present, and turn it into a problem. of all the charlie browns in the world, im the charlie brownist...

so i went to my park to listen to february stars by the foo fighters, which seemed fitting, after all it is february and there are stars out.

i spent the day with amigas, and that was fun. then this unhappy funk came over me toward the end, and i jsut started tuning everyone out, with loud music of course.

somtimes i wonder if ppl can realize im unhappy... im pretty sure if i dont want ppl to know, theyre not gonna know. its not hard for me to smile or sound cheery when im not. yeah its wrok, but not like it is for some people. in my family im just not allowed to be sad all that often, so i pretend im not. so its easy. anywas, id keep writin about nothingness, but i oddly have more engaging things to do, for once in my life.

qotd~"when she woke in the morning (morning), she knew that her life had passed her by. and she called out a warning, (warning) dont ever let life pass you by"

eeeeeep

... or "peeeee?" you tell me, i cant decide anymore X(

so my vision is going, and its kidna freaking me out. i just did it with annie, she said "im going to tell himmm" and i thought it said, "im going to tell hickman" ive done it three times today alone. its weird. and creepy. i hope i dont go blind...

lets recap a convo i had in spanish today...

me-mi ortho es el DIABLO!!!"
jen-"de veres?"
me-"si, es la verdad! El me dijo ayer, dame to alma!!! Y yo dije, NO QUIERO! me gusta mi alma! tu no puedes tenerlo"
Jen-"psssh, justin es el diablo"
me-"ay, tengo dolor de mis dientes! mi ortho es el DIABLO"

and then it ended in that fassion... anyways, long story short, my teeth freaking hurt! i hate the ortho and his stupid assisstant. they always say its my fault when i bracket breaks, even thoguh i am sooo sooo sooo careful!!!and when i was there last the chick broke a bracket and she said I WAS LUCKY that they werent MAKING ME PAY because SHE broke it!!! i wanted to scream. so i did. in my head. yeah, my teeth freaking hurt.

gosh

so i took a math test today, and did it without cheating! i really understood it! woot for logs! they rock! this is what i get for paying attention and taking notes!

okay, i wish i could stay on and ramble. but i cant, i have to write a cover letter...... eeeeew

adios todos
hope for rain
it'll kill me if we dont get some soon

le capitan

qotd" mr jones and me, were gonna be big, big stars"

a month has passed my friends

so its been near a MONTH since i last blogged. and it was very frustrating indeed. there has been a plethora of meaningless junk that i have pined to post, but have not been able to. now however, i am posting because my mother is being promoted to seargant and needed a laptop, thus my family now has a new laptop! my two other computes are still broken, but lo que sea...

anyways, since i cant remember any of the super cool stuff i had meant to post, i'll just stop here, and wait for more stuff to come to me.

--------
well for whatever reason this didnt post, and now im posting again and its 2/6/06, so whatever

anyways, im feeling a little depressed and for a really dumb reason. the stupid sadie hawkins dance is coming up and all of my firends and by all i actaully mean all but one... have dates or potential dates and i feel a little left behind. yea, like i said, dumb. i guess i feel a little lonely.

i dont know if i even wanna talk about this. ive had a song stuck in my head lately, i love it. its wounded by third eye blind. there is no reason to warrent my love, but lo que sea. it has nothing to do with how im feeling now, but i just really like it. my thoughts seem to be scattered (scatterten?) and unconnecting. i dont like the feeling of being disjointed. its terrible.

i wish i could say more, give a clearer description, but because of the fuzziness of my mind, thats not possible

oooh, good song quote right now... something, something, seomthing "My state of mind is a disgrace"

its a jazz song i like, called stop this world by diana ross, i think. i kinda have a thing for jazz. didnt realize till lately. also im falling in love iwth cleur de lune. i can tell that, taht is gonna be one of those songs i like forever. so many things it seems to convey to me at once... goodness, i really like it

anyways, i think i need to start working out. im sure id be happier, theres always that endorphin factor. plus, i dunno, i just need to run. and not stop. and you get the idea

i wish i felt happier.

i wish it would rain

damn those stupid ppl who whine when its not sunnny enough. they can go under a UV light and feel better... i cant just go under a shower it doesnt work

however i did descover something. if i turn on the shower, then lay flat of the botton of the tub, and let my head rest on the bottom as well, it kinda sounds like rain, a little. and thats about as close i can get to the natural rain high. q-u-e...t-r-i-s-t-e

im goign to kill myself if she doesnt quit that!!! geh!

mom-"are you depressed? are you sad?? are you going to kill yourself!!?!?! you have no reason to be sad, you have sucha perfect life!!! whats wrong?!??! im a faliure as a mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and it goes on and on and on and on

i suppose i should hav elearned by now that some people have no room in life to be unhappy. it is allotted to me to have fluctating emotions, and it is alloted to a dying faction to be those that indulge the emotional whims of their counter parts. three guesses to figure out which one i am.

so what? happy smile? more little jokes? more, "im so excited for you guys! the dance is going to be sooooooooo fun!! i just cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

the pure elation of it all will surely overcome the stagnant feeling and instill in me the true meaning of christmas... or some shit like that.

qotd~"when youre wounded"